Lust N' Hate

16

"I can't just keep going without saying it Desirae. I love you"

I didn't know what to do. I love Ayanna... at least the Ayanna I got to know before we invited China back into our lives.

"I-I lo-"

"You don't have to say it back" she looked away. She already looked hurt. "I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I've been feeling this way for a long time but I've just been avoiding saying it out loud. Once you say it out loud it's just so real. I can't act like it doesn't exist. I can't try to force it deep down and act like having China around isn't killing me. I wish I was telling you this under better circumstances. I wish I had just went ahead and said it when I felt it but I was scared you were just going to go back to China in the end anyway.... use her as the big security blanket that she's always been for you. For both of us"

I looked back at the bathroom expecting China to be coming out any minute now but sighed in relief when I heard the shower turn on. This girl takes showers like nobody's business. I guess if you Fuck around that much you have to shower a lot.

"I.. I love you too Yanna. I guess we both aren't completely honest about our feelings. I was also scared. Scared that I would commit to you, tell you how I feel and get hurt again. I mean can you blame me? You guys are bestfriend... aaanndddd you've fucked. Apparently while we were still together too."

She hung her head low.

"I am so .... so sorry" she looked back up at me and he eyes were glossy.

"I felt bad the night I did it. I swear I was upset after we were done. I told China we shouldn't have done that. I'm the one who had been trying to keep her straight, trying to make sure she wouldn't cheat. She knew what she was doing. She was telling me how you were pulling a 12 hour shift and she was horny and I didn't want her to do anything stupid so I told her to come over. I promise you I never in a million years expected that night to end how it did. She came over with some wine and I thought we were going to have a normal girls night. She kept pouring me more to drink and you know I don't have high tolerance. When she started getting sexual I was telling her it wasn't a good idea and that she was tripping but she wouldn't let up. She wanted to keep drinking and I was telling her no but you know how persistent China is. I'm not making excuses I promise. Even if I was drunk I fucked her and I enjoyed it and I was wrong"

Honestly her whole story screamed rape.... and sounded exactly like China. China knows how sloppy Yanna gets when she gets drunk. I can't lie I'm not sure exactly how hard Yanna tried to push her away but I do believe she tried.

I sighed and held her.

"I forgive you" I muttered. This happened a minute ago. There's no point in holding it against her. She was literally trying to help me out and get China to come over there, instead of her going and letting some stud fuck her and I'm grateful for that. China just knows how to get what she wants. Especially from Yanna.

"It's okay. None of this will matter when she gets her own damn self locked up and she won't be able to blame it on anything but her greed" I said kissing and rubbing Yanna's head.

"Will she though? Will she ever blame herself?" Yanna asked looking up at me. "I feel like those types of people... the type of person she is, will never blame themselves for anything"

I smiled. "Well the good thing is, it doesn't matter who she blames. It matters who the court blames.. and she'll have plenty of time in prison to think about it."

"Dez, do you still want me? I'm so angry, I tried so hard to be what you want and my past came and fucked it up for me before I even got a good chance."