The "L" Word

Feelings

Chapter Two

          Dean woke before the sun was up to the feeling of being watched.  He turned quickly, reaching for the gun under his pillow only to feel a hand touch his arm, staying it.  “It’s me Dean.”  Cas said, keeping his voice low so as not to wake Sam.  Dean relaxed, rolling onto his back to see him better.  “How did you get in here?”  His voice was still thick with sleep and his mouth felt like it was filled with cotton.  Cas’ hand was still on his arm he realized.  “I used the lock pick you gave me.  His hand lifted from Dean’s arm and he reached into the inner pocket of his trench coat.  He pulled a small case out and held it up.  There was a grin on his face that Dean could see even in the dim light.  He let out a small laugh and shook his head.  “You’re learning Cas, that’s good.”  Cas tucked the case back into his coat.  Dean sat up in the bed.  The beer had worn off, replaced by a killer migraine, and damn it if those stupid butterflies were back.  Cas was staring at him with that intense look that Dean had become accustom to, but that unnerved other people.  “You ok Cas?”  He asked.  Cas broke eye contact and looked away.  “I’m fine.”  He replied.  “What’s on your mind?”  Dean pressed.  “Something put a bug up your rear or you wouldn’t be acting like this.”  Something was going on with Cas.  Dean knew him well enough to recognize when the angel was anxious.  Cas looked back at him, cocking his head, confused.  “I do not have-“  Dean cut him off, this time being the one to touch Cas’ hand.  “Dude, I didn’t mean literally.”  Cas nodded thoughtfully.  He made no motion to pull his hand away from Dean’s touch.  Cas’ hand was warm.  Worried that it was awkward Dean pulled his hand back, folding both arms across his chest.  Was that a look of disappointment on the angel’s face just now?  It was so brief that Dean couldn’t be sure.  “Talk to me.  What’s going on?”  He said softly.  There was something on Cas’ mind and he was determined to get it out of him.  He threw back the blanket and nudged Cas so he would move over enough to let him get up.  Cas stood up and Dean got to his feet.  He pulled his shoes on, lacing them up and then motioned for Cas to follow him.  Sam was still snoring and he didn’t want their talking to wake him.  Cas followed Dean out the door and closed it softly behind him.  “Let’s go sit in the car, I don’t want to wake Sam up.”  Dean said.  He went to the Impala and unlocked it.  Cas was waiting at the passenger door and he reached over to unlock it.  Cas slid into the passenger seat and closed the door softly.  “Start talking.”  Dean told him.  When Cas turned to look at him there was pain in those blue eyes and it tugged at Dean.  He didn’t like seeing his friend in pain.  “I had to part ways with Hannah.”  Cas finally said.  Dean nodded.  “I see that.”  Cas frowned.  “She shared some things with me that I was not comfortable hearing.”  Cas was being cryptic and it was driving Dean nuts.  He wanted him to get to the point already.  “What did she say?”  He asked.  Cas’ face contorted, a series of emotions he was not used to feeling crossing over it as he tried to find the right words.  “During our time together Hannah developed some human emotions that she was unfamiliar with, and she admitted that she had…feelings for me.”  There was pain on Cas’ face, though Dean could not tell if that was from the fact that he was bothered by the idea of Hannah liking him in a less than angelic way or because he was struggling with his own feelings toward her.  The idea that Cas could be in love with Hannah left him with a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach.  “Oh.”  Was all he managed to say.  He forced himself to look away, out the windshield at the growing dawn beyond so Cas wouldn’t notice his discomfort.  “Dean, I don’t feel that way about her.”  Cas said.  Dean looked over at him.  The sun was rising quickly and he could make out how blue Cas’ eyes truly were.  They contrasted with his dark brown hair making them look like pure topaz.  They were beautiful.  For a guy.  Dean cleared his throat.  “Well yeah, that’s a little weird, she’s technically your sister.”  Cas rolled his eyes and sighed.  “Dean, we’ve had this talk before.  Angels do not have genders.  While we were all created by the Father, we are not brother and sister in the human sense of the word, nor are we male or female.”  His tone made him sound like he was repeating a lesson to a stubborn child for the hundredth time.  “Your soul has no gender either.  You were created in His image, and that reference is to your soul, not your human form.”  “I know Cas, it’s just, I have a hard time looking past what is right in front of me.”  He admitted.  Cas’ expression softened.  “Hannah was less than pleased when I explained that I did not feel the same way for her as she felt for me.  She became upset, perhaps even embarrassed, though that is not an emotion I am that familiar with, and she left two nights back.  She said she no longer wanted to work with me to find the rogue angels.  I don’t know what I did wrong.”  He sounded so lost.  Without thinking Dean put a hand on Cas’ shoulder and squeezed gently.  “It’s alright.  She will get over it and when she does she’ll come back.”  He said the words that sounded like the right ones, but he wasn’t sure.  He didn’t know Hannah well enough to say one way or another what she would do.  Cas looked down at Dean’s hand for a moment before lifting those blue eyes to his face.  Clearly there was something on Cas’ mind that he still hadn’t gotten off his chest.  “Dean…”  He started to say and then sighed, his shoulders slumping.  His eyes lowered to the hands he had folded in his lap.  God how Dean hated sharing feelings.  He didn’t like it because it made him feel vulnerable, exposed, and he had gotten this far in life by always making sure he stayed guarded.  This heart to heart with Cas was having a strange effect on him.  He knew he wasn’t into guys.  He’d always craved the female form, sought them out, dozens upon dozens of them, though, with the exception of Lisa none had ever made him feel anything for them.  For all the hope that Cas and his brother had had in him all these years he felt so empty and broken.  But Cas stirred something in him, something deeper than even what Lisa could reach, and he wasn’t exactly sure what it was.  Cas’ hand was resting over his now he realized, and the angel was looking at him again.  He looked at Cas, waiting.  “I’m not supposed to feel human emotions.  I’m an angel of the Lord.  My duty is to protect the humans and keep them from destroying themselves, but, I do feel emotions.  Even as an angel up in heaven I felt emotions.  I felt anger, betrayal, fear, love.  I have loved with such fervor that I frightened even myself sometimes, but the other angels said we were better than the humans and that we had to move past these emotions, block them out.”  Cas’ hand tightened over Dean’s though Dean made no move to pull away.  Cas needed to get this off his chest and he was damned if he was going to stop him.  Cas’ thumb brushed softly against the back of Dean’s hand.  Damn it again with those butterflies!  “What are you trying to say here Cas?”  He pressed.  “I’m saying that I could have returned to heaven, to rejoin the other angels when the gates of heaven were opened again, to block out my feelings and forget, but I chose not to.  I couldn’t leave Dean.  I couldn’t leave you.”  Cas’ was staring at him, staring into him, and it was the most intense he had ever seen him.  Cas lifted Dean’s hand from his shoulder and held it between both of his.  “I know you prefer the company of women.  From my one time lying with one I can understand the appeal, and I hold no expectations that you could change.  I would never ask that of you.  I just needed you to know this.”  Dean felt numb all over.  He had always been the tough guy, the one that had to be strong for everyone around him, had to show no emotion, had to be strong for everyone around him.  It suddenly dawned on him that he had spent his life emulating the angel that Cas was supposed to be.  The irony was not lost on him.  He squeezed Cas’ hand, reassuring him that he was not going to be rejected.  How could he reject the one person that could see past his gruff exterior, past his flaws, his weaknesses, his pain, and right into his soul?  And after looking into the deepest parts still loved him despite?  A tear slipped down Cas’ cheek and Dean couldn’t help but wipe it away.  Cas caught his hand as it touched his cheek and pressed his face against it.  “Do you hate me?”  Cas asked.  “Cas, I could never hate you.”  Dean replied softly.  He realized that while he was surprise by his attraction Cas’ human form he was not surprised by the feelings for Cas that went beyond mere physical attraction.  Cas was beautiful in a way that was indescribable, and Dean realized now what it meant for two people to be soul mates.  “I’m not leaving you either.  I’m here for as long as I am alive, and then even beyond that.”  He reached his hand past Cas’ face to pull him closer.  He wrapped the smaller man in his arms and hugged him tight.  He felt Cas’ arms slowly slide around his waist to squeeze him back.  It felt good holding Cas.  It felt right. 

          By now the sun was fully up in the sky but Dean just wanted to sit forever here in the Impala, with Cas sitting here, telling him everything that was on his mind.  He spoke with ease, as comfortable with Dean as Dean was with him.  He made a joke and for once Cas actually got it.  He threw his head back and laughed which made Dean smile.  “What are you thinking about?”  Cas suddenly asked.  Dean shrugged.  “I wasn’t really thinking about anything.  It feels good to not have to constantly worry about stuff.  I’m glad you came.”  Cas smiled.  “I’m glad you wanted me to.”  Dean chewed on his lower lip and looked out across the nearly empty motel parking lot.  “You’re lying Dean.”  Cas said.  Usually it was Sam that could tell when Dean was lying, but Cas was on to him.  “I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be feeling here.  This is new for me.”  Dean admitted.  “I understand.”  Cas said and sat quietly.  Was he planning to just sit there and let him sort out his emotions?  This was not a five minute decision.  His emotions were in turmoil.  His thoughts turned to Lisa.  The one woman in his life he had loved if you didn’t count his mother.  Despite the hell he had put her and Ben through he still loved her, but he realized that he wasn’t in love with her anymore.  She had closed that door, locked it and thrown away the key, and he didn’t blame her.  He’d brought his demons right to her doorstep, something he never should have done, and endangered them both.  It was in their best interest for him to stay away forever.  He thought of her smile, her deep brown eyes so full of love, the way her body had felt in his arms…  He missed that closeness with another person.  Sure, he’d slept with women since then, especially during his time as a demon, but he always felt a little more empty afterwards, and so since returning to being a human he had not shared a bed with another woman.  While the idea of sex was exciting, the lack of emotional connection made the idea of sleeping with another woman unappealing.  He felt emptier than ever before.  Cas was still waiting patiently.  The guy would probably wait until the end of time for him to make up his mind.  Truth was, it wasn’t that his mind needed making up.  He knew that was he was feeling was love on what could only be a deeply spiritual level.  It was the fact that never before had he felt this way about another man.  Even if technically Cas wasn’t a man.  He sighed slowly and looked over at the angel sitting beside him.  Cas smiled at him.  Yeah, this guy would wait forever.  Dean folded his arms over the steering wheel and lowered his head, needing to just think for a minute without the temptation of looking over at Cas.  His life had been so much less complicated before angels came into it, but he wouldn’t wish Cas away for anything in the world.  Damn it.  This was turning out to be incredibly more complicated than it needed to be.  He came to the conclusion that there was only one way he was going to know for sure if he could deal with Cas’ human vessel.  He picked his head up and looked at Cas again.  Still that goofy grin on his face.  The butterflies in Dean’s belly felt like they were trying to escape now, but out through his groin, and it was an entirely unsettling feeling.  “Dean?”  Cas asked, his smile faltering.  Something on Dean’s face has changed, thought he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.  It was as though there was a hunger in his eyes.  “Don’t hate me for this, ok?”  Dean asked.  “I could nev-“  Cas didn’t get to finish the sentence because suddenly Dean’s mouth was on his.  For a moment Cas froze, startled but the spontaneous kiss, but within seconds he melted against Dean, kissing him deeper, his tongue searching out Dean’s and finding it.  Dean pulled him closer and he let himself be pulled.  Dean’s mouth tasted like stale beer, at first it felt as though he was holding back, afraid to let himself enjoy it, but Cas brought his hands up, cupping Dean’s face, drawing him into the kiss even deeper.  “Oh God.”  Dean gasped when he finally sat back.  His heart was racing and he was short of breath.  “That was…very nice.”  Cas said.  He was breathing harder than usual too.  “I don’t think I’ve ever kissed anyone like that before.”  Dean admitted.  “I liked it very much.”  Cas was smiling again.  “Yeah, it wasn’t bad.”  Dean said.  Cas was still sitting incredibly close, practically in his lap, but he found that he liked the closeness.  He looked back over his shoulder at the motel room.  Sam wouldn’t be asleep much longer and this wasn’t something he was ready to discuss with his little brother.  “Come on, we’re going for a drive.”  Dean said as he pulled the keys from his pocket and started the car.  “Where are we going?”  Cas asked, moving back into the passenger seat to give Dean room to drive.  “We’re going to go get breakfast and talk.”  Dean replied.  His heartbeat was finally slowing back down but his mind was racing.  There was a lot to talk about.  He just had to figure out where to start.