Dirty Little Secret

Journal Entry- Problematic

I don't know what happened to me. One second I was talking to Terra, next I'm thinking about killing her... and I was smiling! When she asked me what I was thinking about, I almost told her, but how could any human being say, 'I was thinking about killing you.'?

I had to get out of class. I just wanted to reach up and grab that neck of hers and strangle her right then and there.

Now I sit here, in the disgusting bathroom stalls, writing this stupid journal entry. I'm starting to feel like this is my little diary and I don't carry around diaries. Maybe I'll carry around 'The Diary of Insanity' even though I'm not insane...

God, why am I laughing at this?

Why am I laughing at the thought of killing Terra? That was the most explicit, gory, and detailed thought I've had. I want to think of that more often. I not only want to think that... I want to experience it. I want to know what it feels like to watch someone looking at you with pure fear in their eyes, you shoving a weapon into their flesh, and to watch them slowly die off.

No, no, no... I'm doing it again. I'm thinking about... that again. I don't want to think about it. Why doesn't my brain understand?

I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT

My life is not my own anymore. My thoughts aren't my own anymore. Nothing is my own anymore. I don't mean to feel this way. I don't want to feel this way, at all.

Maybe it's my true destiny to become an insane person. Watch me become the newest and improved Jeffery Dahmer. I'll be way better than him. I'll kill more than him... I'll kill way more than Ted Bundy.

I will be the best.

Why am I even thinking about killing people in the first place? That's not normal. I just want to be a normal person so fucking bad.

I WANT TO BE A FUCKING NORMAL PERSON. I DON'T WANT TO BECOME A PIECE OF SHIT SERIAL KILLER!

I can't open up to anyone. I'll just have to live with these amazing thoughts...

No, they're not amazing. They're something I can't describe. They're god awful... No, I meant wonderful.

Scratch that. I meant splendid.

THEY'RE FUCKING AWFUL. I WANT THEM TO STOP. THEY'RE SO FUCKING AWFUL! GOD DAMN IT, I WANT THEM TO FUCKING STOP.

Please stop. Oh God, please make them stop.

I have never been the religious type, but now I think I should go to church. I need to be blessed. Maybe these thoughts would go away then... I doubt it will work because God hates my family. He hasn't done any 'miracles' for us.

I know a better solution than a church... I'll just hurt myself every time I think about it. I will not allow myself to think about death. I will not allow myself to think about torture. Maybe I shouldn't allow myself to think, period.

Something tells me I'll never be able to escape this. Even if I die, I'll still be miserable. I'll never be able to escape. I'll always have these god awful thoughts. I'll always be somewhat not normal.

Someone, please tell me why. Why is my life so problematic? I keep trying to find answers, but nothing will probably help me. Not even death, out of all things, will help me in this situation.

Joseph