Dirty Little Secret

Journal Entry- What's Wrong With Me?

Insanity. That was the only thing I felt while living. War. That was the only thing I imagined. War between my mind and my logic. I lost it.

I don't understand what's happening to me. I feel like I'm losing control of my thoughts, my body, and my actions. I'm losing control of everything. All I can think about is pain, torture, and death. The thought of harming others drives me wild. My body is in constant need of someone to feel pain. I want them to suffer.

No, I don't want them to suffer.

I NEED them to suffer.

I know these thoughts aren't my own. Well, at least I hope they aren't my own. Maybe I'm making myself believe that I'm normal. I am just a normal boy, wanting to pursue his dreams. I want to become a professional boxer, just like Muhammad Ali. I am willing to destroy anything or anyone that gets in my way.

No, scratch that. I'm going back to my dark thoughts again.

If something gets in my way, I'll just maneuver around it. I'll never hurt someone. Definitely, if they never intended to hurt me. I'll just politely ask them to move out of my way before I fucking destroy them, carefully sawing off each one of their body parts, and rip out all of their beautiful internal organs.

God damn it, I've lost it again. My hand just begins to take control and form words on its own.

Anyways, my mom has noticed my behavior change. No, I'm not lashing out or anything. It's just that I'm not acting normal. That's what she told me. Although, what is the definition of normal?

Mom said we're going to the doctor's tomorrow. I don't want to go, but I have no choice. She's taking me against my will. The doctor just makes me uncomfortable. They ask such personal questions with your parents IN the room. Yeah, I've done some things that mom doesn't know about, but it's not that serious.

Too bad I'm writing this in pen. I can't erase my dark thoughts off the paper. Now, when I read this years from now or even tomorrow, I'll be reminded of this dark path in my mind. Something I never want to be reminded of.

But who knows? This may be a phase. Yeah, a phase. Maybe I'm not willingly going through a phase, but my mind is.

I just hope that no one reads this. They'll think I'm not normal, but I am normal. Remember, my mind is going through a phase.

Joseph