Dirty Little Secret

Journal Entry- New Beginning?

I couldn't help myself. I always find myself crawling back to this damn journal, even during the good times. I think I've become addicted to writing in this journal since it's the only thing that will sit and listen to my problems...

Although, today is not about my problems for once. Big surprise there. It's about Melissa, that hot pharmacist. I am currently on a date with her. Yes, I am still at the restaurant. I'm just hiding in the stall like a fucking idiot. She probably thinks that I'm trying to hide from her or something by now.

I'm not, I swear. It's just that I'm addicted to writing in this little journal of mine. The stupid brown leathered thing with ink-filled pages. The ink-filled pages... something I never want to come true, yet I keep rereading them every night before I close my eyes, escaping from this dark world, only to open them to see the living hell my mind creates.

My dreams are cruel and evil. They are something that I should be ashamed of. Well, I am ashamed of dreaming about dead people. I am ashamed that they were murdered. I am ashamed that I am the one, holding the knife that sheds their innocent blood.

Why can't I ever be the hero? There are no heroes in my dreams... There's no speck of joy or hope. It's just sadness, pain, and the wish to die.

No, I am not the one wishing to be dead. It's the people... I have caused them so much pain that they just want to die already. They want me to put a bullet in their brain. They beg me to kill them...

They've got it all backward. I GOT IT BACKWARDS.

After everything I've done in my dreams, you'd think my mind would be tired of being the killer. The one who inflicts the pain, the misery, and causes this awful conflict. But no, I'll ALWAYS be the bad guy in my nightmares.

There's no need to focus on that now. I need to focus on Melissa and make sure I'm the right kind of guy for her. With her, I feel like a new beginning is starting for me. Maybe, just maybe, there's a tiny bit of hope in my life.

Let's hurry up and fulfil that little bit of hope before my mind decides to kill it, dead.

Oh, that sounds like a pun since all I think about it killing people. Well, in that case, no pun intended.

Joseph