Chapter III
Freaking Pleasure
"He loved you. Nobody would risk his life for someone unless he really is smitten with that person." Galen said formally.
I realized that I was crying and I immediately wiped the tears on my cheeks with my fingers.
"He wasn't smitten with me," I corrected him. "He was only sad and confused. He was having a hard time."
He shrugged his shoulders and he picked a flower. A yellow rose.
"Samuel fell in love with you and that confused you: whether you will answer his feelings or you will choose your friendship." The rose he is holding bloomed and the leaves are making their way on his skin. "And you chose friendship over love." My jaw dropped when the rose have dried up. How can he do that?
"What are you talking about?"
"You loved him too, didn't you?" He asked me while looking at the dried rose on his hand.
"I loved him. He was my best friend."
He clenched his fist to turn the dried rose into pieces.
"You loved him in a special way." He stated like he was so sure. "You were just afraid that your friendship will be ruined by your innocence."
Did I? Did I fall in love with Samuel?
"Your fear led you to the decision of choosing your friendship over your true feelings," my eyes would not leave him. I want to hear what he is going to say until this dream ends. "The decision you made was a proof of how innocent and stupid you were. Instead of being honest with yourself, you built a debris inside you which blocked the feelings and thought that you were also in love with him. All your emotions were stucked in your chest and when you lost him, everything you felt turned into guilt and you started blaming yourself for his death."
I couldn't say anything. I won't say anything. I don't want to believe to what he just said but there is a little piece in me... telling me to believe in him.
Perhaps he was right. Everything he said was right but all I know right now is I am confused and I don't want to believe anything. I want peace. I want a quite place to think about this.
"I hate humans for not being honest with theirselves. They will lie, hide the truth, and they will eventually regret for something they did." He coldly said. What surprise me was the emotion he showed to me. I couldn't recognize what his eyes were telling me when his image faded. Until I realized that I just came back to reality.
It's already morning and I could not hear anything outside my room. I soaked myself with the water in the bathtub and closed my eyes. Galen knew everything about me, I know that, but I still tried to open up to him. It was my first time that I get to have a conversation with someone about my pastㅡeven if the conversation did not go well in the end. I never thought this will be the effect on me. I feel like the heavy thing inside me lessen. This feels good, somehow.
The day was over and I can hear my parents talking downstairs about my dad's work. I want to say good bye, at least, and apologize because I know he will leave for work anytime soon. I can't. I don't know how. I am afraid they will scold me for locking myself up for three years.
I slept early and woke up the next morning wondering why I have not dreamed anything. He did not come to visit me. Was it because I wasn't trying to harm myself?
The next day I woke up with the same face: confused. He did not come to visit me again. One more day, two more days, until a week has passed and I still haven't seen him.
