Boundaries

Mystery of Love.

I wake with a start, my chest rising and falling rapidly as I attempt to control my breathing.

I reach over and check the time on my phone.

3:04 a.m.

With a heavy sigh, I lay back down and pull the warm comforter up over my chest.

Never would I have thought that I'd be spending my first night in Hero's studio alone.

He's been gone for several hours now, and I've been so desperately trying to suppress my worry for him.

Once again, I felt like we were trapped in a never-ending cycle of boundaries and secrets.

I knew there was more that Hero wasn't telling me.

It was obvious.

At least this time, I didn't have anything to hold against myself.

I told him everything.

What more could there be?

I so badly wanted to move past this, but as always, he ran.

I wonder if there will be a time when he runs and doesn't come back.

Would I run with him?

Or would he leave me behind with everything else.

I keep trying to assure myself that it was okay, that we were too involved to leave each other at this point.

But somehow Hero always had a way to prove me wrong, even in situations like this.

I had woken myself up from a nightmare, one of pain, loss, and suffering.

I was in an alley, but there was no way out.

Brick walls surrounded me, and someone else.

I couldn't make out this person's face, but I knew he was dead.

Part of me wondered if I was seeing Hero's brother, but when I finally got a good look at his face, I knew instantly that it was Hero himself.

Truth is, I was terrified of losing Hero.

I've lost so much already, and I couldn't face another loss.

It would be too much.

Hero was too important to me.

I was finding it to be harder and harder to breathe without him around.

Like he was my source of oxygen, my life support.

And without him, how could I live?

I know it sounds a bit extreme, but it's one of those feelings you'd know only if you've ever felt the same.

Is this what love feels like?

It's always been a mystery to me.

I'm not even sure love is the right word to use in this scenario, but regardless, these feelings are unlike any I've felt before.

Sickening, yet intriguing in a way.

My wandering thoughts kept me up for another hour, until finally I began to fall back to sleep.

But I'm startled awake when I hear the rusty front door swing open.

I could feel my body become ridged, my eyes widening as I frantically searched through the dark room for the intruder.

When I see Hero's silhouette, I sigh in relief.

Of course it's him.

Why wouldn't it be?