Boundaries

Russian Roulette.

It's been a week, and this week felt longer than the last.

I kept repeating everything over and over, trying to wrap my head around what happened.

The truth is, I couldn't control how I reacted.

She had pushed me to the limit, but I made her do it.

I made her the bad guy.

But in reality, it was me.

It was me all along.

I was a bad guy.

I wasn't good enough for her.

Hell, I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything.

I was a lying piece of shit who deserved to die like his brother.

I hurt the woman I loved, but yet I did what I told myself I would do.

She left me because I lied to keep her safe.

My original plan had worked, but at what cost?

It was over now, but something kept pulling me back to the light.

Something kept pulling me back to her.

I didn't know much about faith.

I don't have much of it myself.

Faith seemed like a waste of time to me.

But call it faith or call it intuition, I knew Jo was put into my life for a reason.

I felt it in my chest, in my heart, and in the blood of my veins.

As if she were an angel sent from heaven above, I was meant to collide with her that day.

I had... whatever it was... that she and I were meant to be together.

Sure, it sounds cliché.

Sure, it sounds like the climax to a sappy romance novel.

But something had shifted in me since the last time I saw her a week ago.

After destroying half my studio, punching holes in walls, and pacing back and forth for hours, I had come to the conclusion that I made a terrible mistake.

I should've stopped her.

I knew that's what she wanted.

No matter how angry she was, I knew deep down she wanted me to say something.

But I couldn't.

I was too afraid.

So, I spun it on her.

I made it seem like she wouldn't care, when in reality, she's cared more than anyone ever has.

And most likely ever will.

I fucked that all up though.

Because I thought I was doing the right thing.

Maybe at the time I was, sure.

Perhaps by removing myself from her life, I'd be keeping her alive.

But I was killing myself more and more everyday by staying away from her.

I've learned to love myself a little more because of Jo, and without her I was nothing.

I knew that it was best for the both of us to stay together, but at what cost?