The mistakes of a naive girl

Middle school horrors part 3

When I went back to New Heaven after being at Pace I learned a few things. Apparently I was now the "psycho bitch" and "emo freak" of my grade now. All of this was curtesy of Hailey. Oh how she loves to be so cruel to me. Yet no one bats an eye at the things she does and says to me and about me. Middle school went by pretty fast in a way after that. 8th grade was no more or less kind to me than 7th grade was. I got in trouble a lot. I got ISS (In School Suspension) a lot, OSS (Out of School Suspension) a couple times even. I got laughed at and made fun of a lot. Jokes and rumors would come and go and I'd hear them every now and then. I was "gay" and a bitch and a "psycho" and just about every other unpleasant or mean thing you could probably think of as well.
This is how 8th grade went. I hung out with a few of the friends I still had. Laura, we had a couple classes together. I had approached her one day and she and I started talking, she told me later on that she never approached me because of the rumors, that I was mean and scary and everything. She found me intimidating and was too scared to approach me. We became good friends that year though.
For other friends I still had my friend Heather, her and I went way back, all the way back to 6th grade. She knew me and how I was, she didn't believe the rumors, she wasn't scared of me, and our friendship stayed the same after Pace as what it had been before Pace.
Another friend I had was an annoying goofball in my grade James, he was super short, we called him Shortie, he was about an even 5 feet tall in 8th grade.
The guy friend that I was actually super close to however was my friend Kobe, he was a grade below me, younger than me by almost 2 years, but he was my guy BFF.
And later on in the school year came my friendship with Zo, she's super important to me, always has been, always will be.
So 8th grade went like this, school, school work/home work, friends, getting in trouble, getting grounded, friends, school, and so on went the routine. My problems with self harm got pretty bad in 8th grade. I was still cutting super often, almost every day sometimes. My arms and legs were begging to become covered in scars and cuts. Not really a good look..
During Christmas break midway through the school year I had gotten into an argument with my dad at home. It was a couple days after my birthday, we were getting ready to go back to school. I had just turned 15. My dad got mad at me for something, something stupid probably. I couldn't even remember what it was about a few hours later.
After he had screamed and yelled and cussed me out. He let me go to my room to be by myself. More of I ran to my room after he got done yelling at me. As soon as I got in my room I closed the door as quickly and quietly as I could. I locked the door. I walked up to my dresser at the other end of my room. Opened my old jewelry box that I had gotten a couple years prior as a Christmas gift from my aunt and uncle. I opened the drawer in it, got out my blades and went into the bathroom connected to my room. I turned the music on and all the way up on my sisters old IPhone that I used as an IPad. And sat down on the edge of the toilet seat with my razor blade in hand.
The anger in me kept growing and growing, with the voice of my dad and his words playing over and over in the back of my head, getting louder and louder each time, then the words of my granny after that, her always telling me how I'm not good enough, etc.
I couldn't control my anger, my vision blurred from the tears in my eyes, my heart was pounding in fear and in anger, my hands were shaking. I lifted my arm up, slammed it down on my other arm, the blade cutting into my skin so fast and swiftly. At first I wasn't sure if I had just punched myself in the arm or if I had actually cut myself. I looked down and my skin on my left arm was separated. You could see this milky white layer underneath and it stung, it didn't hurt like how my cuts normally did, it felt different it felt weird. There wasn't even blood yet, it was just so weird looking, a perfect layer of milky white weird skin underneath layers of my regular skin. The cut was so deep and so wide that I could actually fit my pinky finger in it. With my finger touching the bottom layer of skin at the bottom of my cut nearly my entire pinky fingernail was covered by the skin of my cut. It took it a minute to actually start bleeding. But when it did it bled. For so long. As soon as it started bleeding it was like a waterfall of blood straight out of my arm. It took everything to get the bleeding to stop. I went through and entire big box of tissues, a roll of toilet paper, several bandaids, a pair of knee high black socks, a scarf, and even two shirts to get the bleeding to finally stop. It took almost 4 hours to get it to stop bleeding enough for me to put a big bandaid on it, which I had to replace every couple of hours to avoid getting blood stains on yet another shirt. After I finally got it to stop bleeding I tried to get up, to go lay down in my bed. I felt so weird, my ears were ringing, my heart was pounding, I was dizzy, my hands wouldn't stop shaking, my head was killing me. I figured I needed to go lay down.
As soon as I stood up everything went black, I woke up on my floor, thank gosh it was carpet, with the room spinning and my ears ringing afterwards. I ended up crawling to my bed and passing out for a few hours till I woke back up again.
That was definitely the worst time I had ever cut myself and quite frankly it scared the hell out of me.
I promised myself I would never cut that bad again and honestly I truly believed it, at the time.