The mistakes of a naive girl

The summer before freshman year part 1; family and how they are

It was just a couple months now before high school started. My summer so far has been nothing but hanging out with one of my three friends.
I'd hangout with my friend Zo at her god parents house. She only lived about a mile or so down the road from me so it's and easy and relatively quick walk. Zo and I are super close, mostly as of recently, we only really became super close as of the last couple months at school.
My friend Laura who lives a couple miles from me, in the opposite direction as Zo, gosh she and I have been friends for the last year or so, she's a good friend too.
And then there's my final friend I see all the time, Kobe, we've been friends for a while. My sister Amber and his brother Trevor have been friends since they moved here about a couple years prior. Kobe is a really good friend of mine, he's someone that I know I can trust, he always has been.
And he is like family to me, they all are, his entire family is. Kobe and Trevor are like brothers in a way, their mom Katie is like another mom to me in a way and their grandma Gamie well she's the grandma I've always wanted.
My own grandparents aren't the best. My moms parents died a long time ago, Grandmother died when my mom was pregnant with me, pretty early on in the pregnancy too. And Granddaddy died when I was a toddler, around three or so I think.
My dads side of the family however, well that's a bit of a different story. My dads mom, my Granny. She is an awful lady, she is so rude and uncaring for the most part. I remember always dreading going to see granny because she never knew how to be nice to me.
And then there's her husband, although they aren't actually married, in the state of Alabama if two people live with each other for 10+ years then they are technically legally married or whatever that bull crap law says.
Her husband so to speak, Pop. He isn't a bad man. At all. He's quiet, he watches golf and the news on the tv. He wears socks and sandals and khaki shorts and polo shirts all the time. He doesn't talk much, but he is nice and polite when he does. He is a part of our family, he isn't related to any of us by blood, but that doesn't matter, he's been there for all of us, through all of this and that. He used to go to school for grandparents day for both Amber and I when we were younger.
Granny was never the sweetest old lady, she is very opinionated, very rude, thinks that if something isn't the way she sees fit for it to be then it's all wrong. If I didn't get all A's or at least all A's and B's on my report cards then I was dumb, stupid really. Because I could have done better, tried harder. That's what she always said. "Well pops grandkids got all A's on their report cards, why didn't you?" "Well pops grandkids study harder and try their best to get the best grades in their classes they can, why don't you?" That's how it always was with her. I was never good enough, never smart enough, or anything.
When middle school finally started and I started wearing makeup and doing my hair and worrying about what I wore and what people would think of it, well granny had her own opinions of that too. "You'd look better with makeup on, maybe you could actually find a boyfriend if you wore makeup and looked better." I was already wearing makeup, just not a lot of course considering I was just learning about how to do makeup and I was only 13. What 13 year old actually needs a boyfriend though? That's my question. Pushing for heteronormativity at a young age for me, she's not too nice when it comes to things that are not society's expectations or norms.
As far as my weight and what my actual body looked like at the time, I knew I was over weight, I knew I was fat. But something you shouldn't tell a 12-14 year old is that she needs to go on a diet and lose weight so she can look better. "You'd look prettier if you lost weight" "No boys will like you if you're fat" my granny would always say.
Did she have any idea what kind of long term lasting effects comments like that could have on a kid? Probably not. Or if she did she probably didn't care.
That was my granny: rude, outspoken, mean.
In case it wasn't obvious I tried to spend as little time with my granny and pop as possible. It was made possible by constantly being with this or that friend. Kobe and I would hangout at his house, sometimes we would just hangout in his room laying on his bed together cuddling and watching the walking dead. Sometimes we would play board games or watch movies with his family. Sometimes we would hangout at Classic, which was a local pizza place/arcade in the middle of our little town. Classic was where I met the guy who would become my first high school crush. The first guy that taught me that maybe guys could actually like me..
His name was Will, he was older, quite a bit actually. I was 15, he was almost 18, I was about to be a freshman in high school and he was about to be a senior. He was my first high school aged crush. But he of course would not be my last, by any means. I met Will while hanging out at Classic with Kobe. Will was attractive. He was kinda tall, slim, long black hair, some scruff on his face, green eyes. A total stud. He was also very fluid in his relationships and dating life. He was bi. I didn't really even know what that word meant before I met him.
I talked to my friend Laura about it after I first saw him and first thought "wow, that's a nice looking guy." I found out through Kobe that Will was Bi. I talked to Laura about it, just trying to figure out everything, if I actually had a chance with him or not, what my chances could be if at all even possible, etc.
After a long and emotionally grueling talk with Laura we figured out that I, myself, am also bi. With my dad and his side of the family being the way that they are I was never allowed to think like that. I grew up hearing "gay is bad, go to hell, sin, disgusting, abomination, etc." what I never did was let myself think any sort of way that might be considered gay or "bad"
If I thought anything about anyone of the same gender as me, thought a girl was cute or pretty or had a nice face or body or anything like that. I told myself it was just because I hated the way that I looked, my body, my face, the way that I am and the person that I am. And that's why I thought those things, I didn't actually like her, I just wanted to BE like her.
So after a long conversation with Laura, where yes tears were involved. We figured out that it wasn't just that I wanted to be like or look like this girl or that girl but that I actually did like them. As someone who was still pretty young and also grew up pretty religiously, church every Sunday and Wednesday nights no matter what, no cussing, etc. I was terrified of being anything other than straight. I was terrified that I would go to hell, that the people around me, at my church, my family would think that I was bad or gross or something awful. I was terrified of what my dad would do if he found out.
But I just couldn't hide it any longer. I liked girls, I liked guys, hell I liked people no matter what their gender was. When I finally realized this and came to terms with it I thought my dating possibilities would be endless.
Until I realized just how unappealing and ugly and everything I really was. When it came to Will, he made me feel seen, he made me feel heard. He noticed the scars on my arms and legs, the ones from self harm, and he knew what they meant and he told me that he understood. Someone finally understood. That was why I liked him so much, he made me feel less alone in my world of hurt that made no sense to me.
The summer before freshman year everything went to shit.