love heptagon

seasonal depression

a/n: this is kind of a vent thing? idk I was just inspired and spitballed it lmao

Often times Jung Hoseok wishes he could feel nothing, he sits against his windowsill like he's in a heartbreaking music video and watches the tree branches sway, the heat waves roll over cars and the rain pour. Sometimes, the young idol thinks about what it would be like if he was someone else. Someone better. Maybe someone like Jimin, who is able to give away everything he has without a doubt and never feel disappointed that he didn't leave a bit for himself. Or someone like Namjoon, who is so intelligent but never uses it against anyone and never brags. Perhaps Yoongi, having the drive to do whatever it takes to achieve the thing you want most, even if it seems way out of reach. Or Jeongguk, impossibly kind and talented in whatever he decides to take interest in. Oh and Taehyung, who sees the world in the most beautiful way that Hoseok could never understand, but loves to listen to on lonely nights. Or maybe Jin, who was so much compassion and good ideas to share all the time and is never afraid of taking a risk for his friends.

Hoseok's thoughts spiral. He's laying on his back on the carpeted floor of his rather sizable room, he doesn't know why he picked such a big living place for himself when he's barely ever in it. Some distant rap song fades into the background of his mind, his whole body feels heavy. If he listens hard enough Hoseok can hear his bandmates in the living room shouting over something excitedly, they had called a day off from practicing since Jimin actually fell over from exhaustion in the dance studio. He's been doing that more often than not lately, working way too hard, all of them have. What with comeback season on its way everyone is overworking themselves, at least it gives him something to focus on.

Hoseok needs that, needs something to fixate on to distract himself from everything else. Especially this time of year, he doesn't like winter. Hoseok wants to be outside he wants to feel the occasional warm breeze on his face and he wants to see the white clouds, he wants it to be springtime where the flowers all bloom and Yoongi has sneezing fits. Winter is too cold, and sometimes he doesn't mind it. Like when all seven of them curl up for a movie marathon, which seems to happen less and less as the years go by. 

The movie nights drift further and further from reach and so do his members, and maybe it's just him letting that thought stew in his mind for too long, but it feels like he hasn't seen them in forever. Not like, see them as in be in the same room as them, he feels like he hasn't seen them in weeks. Months. Too long. He misses them, so much. Yet Hoseok doesn't want to voice these thoughts to them because he knows it'll cause a whole thing where they all have to sit down and talk about feelings. Namjoon loves those. He likes feelings. Hoseok wishes he felt the same.

Namjoon likes a lot of things, he likes his bonsai and other various house plants, he likes going to new places, he likes taking photos, he likes pinching Jimin's cheeks, he likes stealing Jin's sweaters and he likes writing music for his members. Hoseok knows Namjoon inside and out, just like all the other members of bts do. They're a family, which is what Jeongguk spouts whenever they fight and it always reduces them to tears. Jeongguk has a weird knack for making them cry. Because whenever Jeongguk says anything during their odd heated moments it always sounds so scared, and it makes his heart clench. 

He rolls over onto his side, staring at the darkness underneath his bed. Hoseok doesn't know when he'll get up and at this point it doesn't matter at all. Maybe Taehyung or someone will come to get him, noticing that he hasn't left his room in hours. Which is out of the ordinary for him, Hoseok likes the living room the most. The couch is comfortable and there's easy access to every other room in their apartment, plus its easier for everyone to hang out at once.

Hoseok has always been big on group activities, which the others hated at first but eventually got used to it and now they look forward to it. In the beginning Hoseok would drag everyone out of their small, shared apartment and take them on walks around the city or out to a secluded diner. He misses certain aspects of being less well known, he misses being able to go around without a body guard. Or having to worry about the way you look or how you interact with anyone.

But just as everything else has, that's changed. Said group activities have turned into livestreams and run bts episodes, it's all public now. Hoseok doesn't hate that, at least not all the time. He loves the fans, he loves making music, he loves sharing his visions. 

It gets quieter out in the living room, the loud voices die down a bit and Hoseok wonders if any of them have paid his absence any mind. Poor Jin could be worried sick and he wouldn't say anything in fear of bringing down the mood. Hoseok has always tried to help him out of that habit, but to no avail.

Turns out his members had noticed, for just as another song starts up from his phone speaker which he'd rested on his bed, Jeongguk bursts into the room. He says something about Yoongi demanding he join them, and Hoseok guesses that means he has to stand up now. He'll leave his existential thoughts for later that night, when the cold and the loneliness finally have its way with him.