"i can't do this school shit anymore" i said frustrated as we all walked into the house. "i don't fuck with anyone there and i damn well can't keep a damn c. i haven't gotten an a or b all fuckin year" i sat on the couch.
"i can't do that shit either man" isaiah mumbled sitting next to me on the floor.
"i get so stressed over shit that ain't gone matter in 12 years" jah sat on the other side of me.
"i'm gone drop out" ski laid his head in between my legs as i played with his hair.
i started playing in skis hair as we all complained about school. that's one thing we always did, but recently we had been talking about it more. it was obvious that all of us hated school and we wanted out.
"that's it. i'm droppin out" jah spoke up.
"i am too" ski agreed.
isaiah looked at me and saw the look on my face. as much as i say i wanna drop out of school, and i swear i would, but he knows how important it is for me to be the first to graduate in my family. in a way it's my way of saying "fuck you" to all my family that would say i'd just drop out and sell drugs. that has been very tempting lately, but i can't. staying and graduatin is my way of proving myself. maybe then my family, including my mom, will actually love and care about me.
"we know how important graduating is to you, angel. we don't want you to feel obligated to drop out. that's just us" jah spoke up "i'll be proud of you either way. if you graduate i'll be proud, but even if you don't you know i'll always be proud of you"
"i think i'll try online school" i told them.
"do what you got to do baby a" isaiah pulled me closer to him.
jah got a call and said him and ski had to go handle something. now it was just isaiah and i at home. we sat in a comfortable silence as i laid on his chest. he played with my fingers as i listened to his heartbeat. that's something we always did. we laid on the couch, bed, floor, and pretty much anywhere and we'd be doing this. my head would be on his chest as he played with my fingers and i would hear his heartbeat. this is what we found relaxing to do. maybe we liked it because of the comfort it brought us. just laying on his chest and being so close to him brought me comfort. since the first day i met him he made me feel safe. it's almost as if he's my safe place. he's who i can go to when i need to feel safe or comfort at any time.
silence is something we both enjoyed. we never really got it though. with a house full of boys, and them inviting their friends over all the time, isaiah and i never really had time to spend together. yeah we live together and go to school together, but in all honesty i feel like we drifted. us laying down on the couch right now is our way of reconnecting again. on countless occasions isaiah has confessed to me that when he feels anxious, or uncomfortable, him simply being around me makes him feel more at ease. he claims we have a special bond. one that could never be broken no matter how hard people try.
if you were to see isaiah and i just by ourselves you would think we're a couple. we're constantly touching each other and can barely be away from each other for more than five minutes. this one-time isaiah was having really bad anxiety while he went to go do something with the boys. i remember getting a facetime from jahseh telling me that isaiah was just sitting in the backseat looking anxious. he wouldn't even talk to the guys he just has his head in his lap. in the background i could hear ski telling him that i was on the phone. almost immediately isaiah looked up and saw me. the guys left the car and went to go do what they were gonna do as i talked to isaiah. the facetime call consisted of me just talking to him trying to call him down as he finally explained to me that he was having withdrawals. that was the day i found out he did xanax and percocets heavily. to say i was shocked was an understatement. as he talked to me about everything all i could wonder was how i didn't know.
"baby" isaiah spoke up
"yes?" i asked him.
"do you think we'll ever just grow apart?" he asked me.
"no, i don't think so" i grabbed his hand as he sighed.
that's something that often crossed his mind. jahseh has come into my room countless times telling me that isaiah and him had a full conversation about me. isaiah was afraid of losing me. jah told me isaiah had never gotten so close to someone so fast and that scared him. he also told me that i'm the only one that pretty much knows everything about isaiah. for as long as jah, ski, ming, and all of them have been friends i'm the only one that knows everything about him.
jah didn't like me at first. he didn't like the fact that just after a week of knowing isaiah i had already known more about him than he did. the fact that isaiah and i were inseparable and we were constantly together. it worried how attached isaiah became to me and for me to just leave him one day. jahseh soon came to realize that i was here for the long run and slowly we became friends. the only reason he didn't like me was because of overprotective he is of his friends. that's something i admire about jahseh. no matter what he sticks by his friends. through thick and thin he stays by their sides.
ski liked me from the jump. he liked me being around isaiah. it made him feel good that isaiah had someone to be there for him at all times. isaiah finally had someone to talk to about everything without holding back. i was the person isaiah told everything to. if he were to find something out i would be the first to know then eventually tell the rest of the guys.
some might say isaiah and i got too close too fast. jah for sure thought that at first. slowly he came to realize that it was just fine. it might have to do with how much isaiah talks about me to them. the guys swear isaiah and i are boyfriend and girlfriend. whenever we tell them we aren't they just roll their eyes playfully and laugh. i admit at times i do wonder what it would be like to finally be with isaiah. we've both confessed that we like each other. it's obvious. you'd have to be stupid to not notice. in all reality, we wanna be together. there have been many conversations on the topic of us being together.
"angel" someone said snapping me out of my thoughts.
i looked up and saw jahseh kneeled down next to us. isaiah was asleep and i couldn't even tell you for how long. this whole time i had been zoned out.
"what happened?" i asked jahseh.
"okay don't get mad" he smiled as i rolled my eyes "but i may be a little drunk" he giggled "but listen" he couldn't even finish his sentence without laughing.
"shh" i covered his mouth "zay's sleeping" i told him.
"sorry" he whispered laughing.
"is ski drunk too?" i asked him.
"he told me not to tell you but yes"
"call him over here" i told jah.
when they got drunk i prefered that they stayed near me. you get drunk, fall asleep, throw up while you're sleeping and choke on it and you die. (this actually happened to my sisters boyfriend. he got drunk, went home, slept, then ended up choking on his throw up. he was found dead the next morning by his little brother)
jah stumbled back with ski. ski laid his head on my leg while jah laid his head on my ass. they ended up falling asleep almost immediately. ming had went back home sometime last week so i didn't have to worry about him. i closed my eyes and let sleep consume me. peace is what i felt at this moment.
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