someone knocked on my window and i looked up. there stood isaiah in a red hoodie that said 'fucking awesome' with some black pants. he had on the necklace i gave him.
i opened the door and he smiled. he put his hand out for me to grab and i stared at it. this felt as if it wasn't real. i felt as if at anytime now he would just disappear and this wasn't real.
"hey baby a" he smiled.
i put my hand on his hand and he pulled me up. he saw i had on the ring and a smile formed on his face. this didn't feel real. he wrapped his arms around me as i broke down.
"i'm sorry" he mumbled as he held me "so fuckin sorry"
he picked me up and placed me in my backseat. i looked at him as he closed the front car door. he sat next to me as he closed the door behind him.
"i missed you" he brought his face closer to mine "so fucking much" he put his hand on my face.
"i missed you" i whispered as i looked at him.
"i'm sorry i left" he placed kisses on my neck "all i wanna do is be with you" he put his hand on my neck applying pressure.
"why'd you leave?" i asked.
"i had to baby a" he pulled me on top of his lap "everything i promised you, i broke" he shook his head.
"wh- what are you talking about?" i asked getting confused.
"i wanna be with you, but i can't"
"what?" i asked getting off his lap "why?" i asked as i sat with my back against the door as i looked at him.
"i'm not good enough for you. i'm a shitty person. you deserve better and i just can't provide that for you. you deserve someone that's gonna stay with you, not leave. i don't deserve you, you deserve better. all i've ever wanted was for you to be happy, but you just can't be happy with me" he played with his fingers as he talked.
"isaiah" i spoke up causing him to look at me "you've been nothing but good to me. you've been there for me at times most people weren't. you always treated me with respect. i'm always happy when i'm with you. even after our little arguments you'd always find a way to make me laugh. do you now know how nervous you still make me? do you know i still get butterflies just by thinking of you? i even get butterflies when i just see you across the room. you make me so fucking happy"
"angel, you need someone that won't leave you. someone that won't bring you down like i am. i know i'm bringing you down so fuckin much" he said as his leg started bouncing.
i bit my lip as i looked at the car floor. as much as i wanted him to stay with me i couldn't force him. i can't force him to stay with me so i can be happy. isaiah is better off without me.
"okay" i nodded my head as tears fell down my face "if that's what you want" i looked up at him.
we sat in silence as he kept playing with his fingers. he was looking down at the car floor as i was looking at him. he was saying one thing, but his actions were saying something else. isaiah doesn't want us to be over, i can tell. if he really wanted this he would look me in my eyes.
"isaiah" i caused him to look up at me "look me in my face and tell me you don't want to be with me"
"angel" he looked down "i can't" he shook his head crying.
i bit my lip as i watched him break down. it broke my heart to see him so broken. the way his leg was bouncing up and down. how his hands were shaking as he was playing with them. his head down so i couldn't see his face as he cried. even the small detail of how he was sitting.
"i overdosed" he told me causing my heart to drop "i overdosed at gabe's house. the day i came back was the day i overdosed, it was an accident though. while at gabe's i was on a binge every time he would leave, which was often. gabe said he wasn't coming back until the next morning. i took that as a go for me to do more drugs than i already was. i overdosed, but nobody knows that. when i came back i was pissed at myself and how i allowed myself to go through that again. i've been doing drugs heavy since even before i left i just couldn't tell you. that's why at times i was distant and pushing you away. can you fuckin believe i even thought about killing myself?" he asked letting out a light laugh as he shook his head "i'm too fuckin pussy so i didn't, but i thought of it. i wrote a whole fuckin letter and everything, i was set. these past weeks i've spent making that suicide letter into a damn album. funny, right?" he shook his head "i'm turnin my pain into a fuckin album because i don't know what else to do with it"
i sat there in shock taking in all the information. i felt choked up as tears filled my eyes. all of this was going on through his head and he didn't know who to talk to.
i reached for his hand and he looked up at me. i pulled his hand and he came my way. he put his head on my chest as i held him. as soon as i wrapped my arms around him he relaxed. my left hand was playing in his hair as my right one held his hand that was slightly shaking.
it broke my heart to see him cry this much. to see him so vulnerable and hurt. normally it was me crying and he would hold me, but now it's be holding him.
time had passed and we were sitting there without talking. we both knew that once he left we would be over. there would be no more baby a and baby zay. now it would just be isaiah and angel. no more waking up in the morning next to each other. no more staying up until 3 in the morning as we talked about random things. there would be no more little inside jokes or looks that they would give each other.
we sat in silence but it was loud. if you were to have sat in that car with us you could easily feel how much tension there was. you could feel our hearts breaking as we tried to enjoy our last moments together. you would see the way we both looked so vulnerable with blank looks on our faces. you would even probably hear our heartbeats.
he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it. at that point i knew he was leaving. this would soon be over. once he got out of my car that would be it. his heartbeat increased and i knew this was it. his hands that stopped being shaky soon became shaky again. his breathing became uneven and i knew he was trying to speak, but he just couldn't.
"a-" was all he got out before he stopped.
i just nodded my head as i squeezed his hand. he let out a shaky breath and he sat up leaving me cold and empty. we stared at each other almost as if we were talking without words. that soon came to an end when he looked away.
"bye baby a" he spoke up.
"no" i said as my eyes got watery "this can't just be the end of us"
he stayed quiet and i could tell he was trying to keep it all in. i took in a deep breath and let out a shaky breath.
"bye baby zay" i grabbed his hand.
he squeezed my hand then let it go. he unlocked the car door and opened it. i watched him as he got out of the car. he turned around and gave me one last look before closing the door.
i watched as he walked to his car and got in the driver's seat. he sat there for a few seconds before he drove off. i swear before he sped off i heard him yell "fuck" and hit his steering wheel.
bye baby zay.
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