Super Nova.

Chapter 68

~ Jenna's POV ~

During the long silent hours on the flight home I was grateful to Paul who got me a seat in first class. That meant that I could get the seclusion I needed to cry my eyes out without any nosy traveler looking at me. The flight attendants were as nice as when I flew over the first time to meet Marshall at his home only this time they let me be, understanding that I didn't want neither food or drinks. My stomach almost turned inside out when I felt the smell of the other passenger's food. I hated seafood.

I didn't sleep. I couldn't because my brain screamed at me how disgusting I was, carrying a poor child in me. A child who would share genes with my mom and my father. A child who I can't give birth to because I don't know how to be a parent. A child who hasn't been asking to be born into this world, without a present dad and with a stupid mother who would fail at motherhood so bad that the child will be hurt.

You dumb cow, how could you let yourself be that stupid? Now you at least show your true colors, don't ya bitch.

I rushed to the restroom and tried to throw up but my stomach was empty and all I could do was try to ease the convulsion shaking through my body. I rinsed my face and tried to avoid looking in the mirror to see the loathsome face that belonged to me. I went back to my seat and felt even more repulsive than before trying to figure out what to do when I came home. I needed to get a hold of Chrissy's doctor and make an appointment at the hospital to get rid of the poor thing growing in my belly.

I couldn't afford to think about Marshall right now, I knew I was going insane if I did. I've been treating him worse than dirt and I had to make really high walls around myself not to crumble and turn back. I have tried to explain to him one time why I couldn't have children and he didn't want any more babies neither so this was for the better. Me disappearing from his life so he didn't need to take on another child with an absent mother, like Kim.

My next problem I had to solve was what to say to Chrissy and my brother. They didn't need to know the reason for me leaving the States in a hurry because if they didn't know, they didn't have to lie if Marshall asked them anything. If he asked them. I'm quite sure that he won't, I've hurt him too much but just to be safe I would keep this to myself. Chrissy would try to convince me that the father had a saying in this too, but I couldn't let him know. He would stay with me by pity and I couldn't have that feeling of him wanting something else but was stuck with me because of a child. It wouldn't be fair to anyone.

                                     ***

Again I found myself sitting in a pitch dark room looking out on the town I thought I left for good a couple of months ago. The feelings were the same as when I sat here before Marshall and Hailie came to my rescue, bitterness, longing, sadness and hurt. The difference this time was that now I knew how perfect a life could be, a life filled with love. That made this even worse than before.

My whole body ached after being so tense all the time but I could hardly feel it. I understood that I had to be hungry but I couldn't keep a single piece down. I slept when I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I woke up to the same feeling of despair as I had the day before. Marshall hunted my dreams. I had lost all sense of time and I didn't know what day it was or if it was dusk or dawn I saw out there.

When the sky was clear I could see the stars at night and it reminded me of Hawaii, our moonlight stroll by the ocean and Marshall's hand in mine. It was the night he made love to me for the first time. It was the night I gave him my virginity and I thought we should stay together forever. It was when he ... Stop! I can't keep thinking about him. These memories will be tucked away somewhere in my brain only to be let out on special occasions. When I'm stronger. When time has gone and I can live again. And breathe again. If that day ever comes.