Smile and put on a happy face

The final fantasy

Outside the air is fresh. The morning is nice for a walk. The sun that hadn´t come out in Gotham for so long now shyly peeks through the clouds and softly warms my body. I take off my sweater and roll up the sleeves of my shirt. What's this?? There's a blue strip around my wrist. Where did it come from?? I've seen it before somewhere…Sophie!! This belongs to her…doesn't it?? How come I have it?? I start to run and I run as fast as I can. I don't even call the elevator, I run up the stairs and stop in front of apartment 8B. I knock on the door desperately. Nothing. I knock again. Sophie, please, open up…Sophie, help me!! I need you!!

I walk back to my own apartment. Inside the bedroom, the sheets are still a mess. I slept here. It was Sophie who brought me all the way here, right? I see myself in the mirror on the small table where Penny used to paint her lips. I never understood why she did it. Her things.. they´re all still there. I open the top drawer and find some old magazines, her lipstick, an empty bottle of perfume. I open the second drawer…and my heart stops. Its full of handkerchiefs. 

- NO!!!- I shout – It can´t be!!-

I empty the entire content of the drawer on the bed. There´s at least twenty of those, if not more. There´s handkerchiefs in all colors, red, green, white… they all reek of Penny´s cheap perfume. Angry tears sting in my eyes. 

- I hate you, Penny!!  

I sit and inspect the blue strip I´m wearing, proving its existence. I take it off my wrist and unfold it into its original form, a handkerchief. I look at every detail, I touch it, feel it, inhale its scent. It´s not like the others, is it? The smell is different. Sophie, is it you? Tell me that it´s you … 

- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I´m sure my laughter can be heard ten miles away. I rub my cheek against the cloth. Sophie… tell me it´s you! My tears soak the fabric. Sophie…don't leave me alone! You´re all I got left!!

It´s impossible to tie the strip back onto my wrist. I can´t do it with just one hand. So I carefully fold it and stuff it in the pocket of my shirt, right on top of my heart. 

I exit the bedroom and slam the door. I look for my notebook and tear out a blank page. There's still a leftover piece from the last page I tore out. I made a paper flower for Sophie with that one…or at least, I thought I did… 

You really are a great comedian, Arthur. You believed your own story. Now you must laugh at your own joke!! 

- HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA 

Once my laughter dies out I take the pen and start writing a letter. Look at me, Penny, I´m just like you, writing a letter to someone who will never reply. 

  

The light of noon shines in the room. I pick up my notebook one more time. In all my nights at Pogo´s, I´ve learned a thing or two. 

Eye contact.

Slick hair???

Work the crowd.

I'm reminded of the suit one of the comedians there was wearing. I search through my stuff and find something similar. It's a wine colored suit, trousers and vest. It's somewhat bleached but still elegant. Under the vest I put on my only white shirt. This one is also worn out, but the ensemble works. I polish my shoes and slick back my hair. Now I really look like a comedian. 

Among the few treasures I own, there's a white mug with a logo from the Murray Franklin Show I painted myself, trying to recreate the mugs Murray keeps on his desk where he welcomes his guests. I place it on the coffee table to create a similar setting. Then there's the tapes from the show. I own at least thirty of them. I sit in front of the TV and randomly pick out one. Oh, yes. I remember this episode, it's one of my favorites. The guest was an actor, Ethan Chase. I watch his entrance, the way he greets the audience and Murray… I study the way he sits, smiles and speaks…

How can I do the same? How can I act like a normal person? I rewind the tape all the way back to the beginning and let it play again. I get up, walk out the living room and upon hearing the welcome music, I make my great entrance. There it is again, my invisible audience. They welcome me with a warm applause. I greet them soberly and slightly bow. I walk towards Murray and shake his hand. We greet each other and I also greet the other two guests sitting at my side. I sit down on the spot next to Murray, lean back and spread my arms out on the back of the couch. 

- Hey Murray, thanks so much for hav…

No, no. Again.  

- Hey Murray, thanks so much for having me on the show. It's been a life long dream of mine…

No, no, no.

- Hey Murray, I've been a…

No, not like that. I don´t know… How do I sit? Legs spread open? Crossed? Like this? Or closed?? Do I lean back? What should I do with my hands? 

- I'm sorry, what's that?...Oh, that's very funny, Murray! You know, I'm also a comedian. Would you like to hear a joke?

Everyone claps.

- Yeah? All of you? Ok!...Knock, knock…

I draw the gun and point it at my throat. 

No, again. It needs to be quicker. 

- Hahahaha…Knock, knock…

I point the gun to my throat. Click. 

Hahahahahahhahaaha!!!! This is it!!!  And I hear the closing song that plays at the end of every episode. That´s life… 

What a great ending!!! Applause, applause and more applause!!!This is going to be the best joke I have ever told. 

I relax on the couch and light a cigarette. I´m ready. My big moment has finally come. For once I´ll be what I was always meant to be.    

My eyes fall once again on the paper sheet I left on the table. My last words for Sophie.

Sophie, 

I woke up with a blue strip around my wrist. I think I´ve seen it in your hair. I think I had a dream, I dreamed that you loved me. Forgive me. I confuse what is real. Your ghost haunts me. 

I´m so tired of being here. This body is just so heavy. There´s a hole in my soul that´s been there for all my life. Like a garden that never blooms. I am not a hero, I am not even a man…I´m just a shadow. I´m the thorn without the rose. All I have to offer is my pain. I know you can´t be real. Because you couldn´t love me. And still I love you. Why can´t someone love an illusion? Why can I not say goodbye to the best dream I ever had? 

There is no turning back. These wounds won´t heal. There´s things that time can simply not erase. Life claims a piece of our soul every day until there´s nothing more left. Forgive me for what I´ve done and for what I´m about to do. But there is no place or purpose for me in this world. I just want to be great for one moment before I die. I want people to see me, just for once. The time has come for the final act of this comedy. There´s one final fantasy left before the curtain closes forever.

I just hope that when I´m finally asleep, I see you again in that place of dreams where you were real. I need to know that you´ll find me. There, everything will be different. There will be no more pain. I will laugh a genuine laughter, I will be a man like all others and then you can finally love me.    

Arthur