Theory of Friendship that goes deeper than Love

Almost there and ending before it even started

Weeks passed, filming ended, fan meetings continued, kissing happened less often. Gun had an impression that Off is not as enthusiastic about it as he was at the beginning. About the small kisses at least, because they only really kissed once or twice more, since that quick snog in the car. Maybe Papii got annoyed or bored? Maybe he remembered that they are friends after all and they shouldn't really engage in that kind of stuff. Maybe Papii was just curious before or even worse, maybe it was all an elaborate way to make their performance during filming better? Gun was having all those thoughts, but on the other hand he knew Off is not like that, he wouldn't use him. Gun knows it, but still sometimes he can't help but think things are not like they were just a week or two before. There's just work all the time and it seems Papii is now not even comfortable with touching in a friendly way. There's that thing he recently made a habit of doing, when he pokes Gun's fingers with his finger, but when Gun looks at him as if asking what is it about, Off's eyes run away and so does his hand.

- Are you lonely, Papii? - he asked one day when they were alone at last.
- Sometimes, but not really. Why do you ask?
- Is this why you're okay with us being so close?
- No. Why would you think that? Is this why you're okay with it? Because you think I'm lonely?
- No. But I know that some day we won't be able to be like we are now and... I think I shouldn't get used to it. - Gun whispered and Off could hear he sounded like he was hurt.
- Why do you think we wouldn't be able to?
- Well, it's not something like what you've had before...
- What I've had before got nothing to do with what I want now. - Off answered with unwavering confidence.
- Is it? - Gun asked in a small voice - Then why it seems like you are hesitating to hold my hand, because that's what it is, right? - Off made a bewildered face waiting for the younger boy to elaborate - Your touches... - Gun continued - Almost there, ending before they even really started. What was I supposed to think about it? It seems like you want to hold someone's hand and then realise that, that someone is not necessarily me. - single tear rolled down Gun's cheek. He seemed so hurt that he wasn't even able to speak properly, just half whisper. He didn't want to cry, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was not blaming Off, he was blaming himself for wanting something he shouldn't want. Trying to come to terms with it. He decided to open up about it to the only person he could trust and the only person that would understand, even if the same person was the reason he was feeling this way. But then again, Gun's feelings were not something Off could be blamed for. At least not entirely. Gun realised there should be some boundaries to their relationship to avoid being hurt and maybe it was finally time to set them. Something he needed to have in the back of his mind whatever they were doing. Something that would stop him from even thinking that maybe... Whenever Papii was so good to him he should be reminded that's because they're best friends or just brothers or...
- ... my world. - Off sniffed wiping his nose with his sleeve clumsily, because seeing Gun cry, seeing his pained expression and knowing that he completely misunderstood Off's hesitant approach towards him in last weeks, made him tear up immediately. As if Off wanted to feel the pain instead of Gun, like he could take all the negative feelings from the younger boy and feel them, so Gun wouldn't have to.
- What? - the smaller boy snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Off mumbling something from behind his now snotty sleeve. Why was he crying too, Gun couldn't make sense of any of it.
- You're my whole world. - Off's teary eyes gazed into Gun's equally watery ones. It seemed the younger boy wasn't processing the meaning of Off's statement at all, because he continued to stare in disbelief, denial or maybe it was finally too much? - You are and I was trying not to push that on you.
- Push that on me? - Gun was thinking frantically, trying to put the pieces together. - I thought you finally decided that we shouldn't have done what we did... - Gun said in a small voice looking down.
- That was not that at all. - Off hurried to explain as he should have in the beginning before he caused Gun the pain and confusion. - I want to know your every thought, no matter how crazy. I want to know everything about you and want us to... to experience everything together. - Off tried to explain himself the best he could. More tears rolled down the younger boy's face while he did, but Off could feel they were different tears than the ones Gun shedded before. - That's why I've been doing this. - Off touched the top of Gun's hand with the tips of his fingers. - Unconsciously at first, I guess... I figured you should know that you are everything to me, but I was afraid I want too much. So I didn't tell you and somehow every time I wanted... I ended up thinking 'what gives you the right to have it?', you know?
- Papii... - Gun sniffed - I-I give you the right to have it, o-okay? - the younger boy reached out and grabbed Off's arm, but not to entwine their hands in a romantic gesture, but to use Off's already wet sleeve to wipe his own tears and nose. And that was it, Off was done. His chest hurt and he was sure that his heart was literally melting, on top of beating erratically. He did the only thing that felt right at that moment. He took the younger boy in his arms carefully, like he was the most precious thing, because he wanted him to understand that he really is.
- You are everything to me. - Off said once more - Let me be everything to you too, even a tissue to wipe your nose, okay?
- You're being silly, Papii! - Gun giggled sniffing again and clinging to the older boy. When they separated, Off provided him with the front of his shirt this time, so he could dry his face properly and then, Gun was clinging to Papii again, looking for comfort that was gladly given to him.
- I am silly. - Off agreed - Can you deal with that? - he smiled.
- I can. - Gun answered simply, hiding his face in Off's chest and enjoying being cradled. They stayed like that for couple of minutes. No more words needed.
- Today after work. - Off said with determination - Do you have plans?
- If you have a plan for us, then I guess I have. - Gun smiled coyly and he looked so adorable all disheveled with wet sparkling eyes and pink cheeks, that Off had to take a deeper breath before responding.
- Come to my place to sleep? - he knew that Gun liked sleepovers, but somehow he was still kinda nervous to ask.
- Can we cuddle to sleep? - the younger boy didn't even answer the question, already happy for the invitation he automatically accepted.
- I was hoping we could. - Off exhaled with a relief.
- And I can sniff Papii's neck a bit?
- As much as you want. - Off smiled.
- And... Kiss? - Gun asked timidly this time.
- Uhum. - Off nodded and leaned forward to peck the boy's lips in confirmation. But Gun chased his lips back kissing fully, slotting their lips and nipping at them.
- I meant, kissing like that. - the younger boy explained staring at Off hopefully, because the kiss was reciprocated.
- A-as much as you want... - Off answered blushing as if they've never kissed like that before. He was pretty sure kissing Gun will never get less exciting.