Understanding

Part 4

I didn't think it was possible for things to get worse after the war, but I was badly mistaken. Besides the ruins, I would get flashbacks and nightmares. I would wake up screaming alone in Grimwald Place. I would watch my friends die all over again and be helpless. I stopped sleeping unless I absolutely had to, and even then I only rested for maybe an hour before I would wake myself up in terror. If I could kill Voldemort again for all of the pain he has caused me, I would. Ii would kill him time and time again but I don't think it will ever be enough. This was another one of those nights where my covers and spells couldn't protect me. Of course it couldn't. It's hard to protect from yourself. McGonagall has invited all of the students back to Hogwarts today. It's our first day back and I've heard she has been able to restore the Great Hall already. I'm excited to have another meal there. I never thought I'd eat again if I'm being honest. It's been about two weeks and I haven't seen anyone since Fred's funeral. I know the family is grieving and I am trying to give them their space, but Ron and Hermione keep writing to me, telling me to come visit. I can't bring myself to leave the house. Today is the first day I'll see the sunlight. The drapes have been pulled to blackout the house, with only a couple lamps to help me see where I'm walking. Not that I leave the couch or bed. Still, total darkness would bring the images back and I don't want to see them. I can hear Crabbe's screams from the fire and I feel like I should have done more. When it's dark, I can see them. The fire illuminates in the worst possible way. I can't leave him. I never would have. I hate myself for leaving Crabbe but deep down I know I had no choice. I could only save one and my first instinct was Draco because he saved me first.

I shower under cold water. The cold water removes blood better, but my hands will always be stained no matter how cold the water is. No matter how sharp it feels hitting my back and no matter how numb my body becomes, it will never take away the blood and pain I feel. I pull on some faded jeans and a plain long sleeve and cover it with a flannel lined denim jacket. I want to blend in as much as possible and I hardly think anyone will be wearing their robes. It's not like school is open again. I pull a hat over my ears and mount my broom. The bristles are singed on the end but she still flies. My sneakers kick off the ground and I am soaring through the air. I can almost forget it all up here. I can almost act like I am practicing for quidditch for a game against Slytherin. We always won but Slytherin's were our only real competition. The snitch would be fun on a day like this. The wind is blowing hard and I would only be able to see it when the sun hit it, reflecting in my eye and blinding me. I would be able to fly out and see Ginny with her game face on. When she was in quidditch, nothing could stop her. Ron, Fred, George, all of them. Fred would still be here. 

The school comes into focus as I angrily wipe a tear from my eye. I can't do this. I have to be strong for them. Some of the outsides of Hogwarts still looks damaged, but I know the adults have been sleeping here to fix up the inside. My hands shakily touch the stones in the building. I rub each one. It vibrates under my touch. The protection spells are damaged for sure, but for now, we don't need them. Our biggest threat is gone. 

"Harry!" I turn to face my best friends. Ron and Hermione run up to me and Hermione attacks me in a hug.

"We've been so worried. You haven't responded to us!" She smacks my arm with anger before hugging me again. I look over her shoulder at Ron. He shrugs his shoulders but relief floods through his eyes at seeing me breathing again. He pats my arm and pulls me into a hug. Together, the three of us enter into our old home. Some students are gathered outside the closed Great Hall doors and they stare at us when we come in. My eyes flit to the floor in shame. The Great Hall must have not been finished on time. Some try to approach us but with a look, Ron and Hermione have cast them away.

"Why haven't you talked to us, Harry? After we thought we had lost you in the war... you can't cut off contact like that! I missed you." Hermione tears up as we slide down the wall waiting for further instruction.

"I'm sorry guys. I'll come over this week. I promise." I assure them.

"Why don't you move in with us for a little while? We have plenty of room since... well and mum would love to see you." Ron tries. He avoids the topic of his brother with grace.

"I can't. I need to be alone to process everything and I couldn't burden you all with my problems right now." I tell them.

"But Harry, you know you aren't a burden to us."

"I promise I'll come visit this week. Every day if you'd like. But I can't move in. I have to take care of Sirius's place and Kreacher won't know what to do without someone to serve. The old fart complains enough as it is." I crack a joke and I see the two smile for the first time that I've seen since the war. I can feel my lips twitching upward and it feels good.

"Alright, but every day, Harry." Hermione says. I look at Ron for help but he takes his girlfriend's side. 

"You said it, mate." I groan at the predicament but I can't help but smile. It feels nice to have support.

"Students, make your way to the Great Hall." A voice sounds over the entire school. I miss hearing that. In front of us, the doors open revealing a fully finished Great Hall. I can't detect any sort of glamour. They really finished it. Hermione grabs mine and Ron's hand and drags us to Gryffindor's table. The table is full and Hufflepuff's is full, but several people are missing from Ravenclaw and only a handful of Slytherins are at their table. 

"Any Slytherin that hasn't renounced the dark mark hasn't been allowed on school grounds," Hermione informs me. I nod and my eyes look at the ones left. The only one that really surprises me is a certain blonde. Draco, dressed to impress as always, is sitting quietly next to Blaise Zabinni. The cocky air he usually holds is missing. Still, he wears a black button-up and a black coat. Not a hair is out of place.

"What are you staring at, mate?" Ron asks, looking towards Slytherin with confusion.

"I'm just thinking about all of the Slytherins that aren't here and are in Azkaban instead. They were just kids. Impressionable kids." I sigh. 

"I am happy to see all of you that could be here today. With the recent events, a group of us made it our mission to restore the school so that you all could have a safe place to go again. The remodeling is nowhere near finished, but I am pleased to say that Hogwarts' doors are open to its students once again. Next week we will begin school up again. Many of you who were in your final year here didn't get to focus much because of the war so the staff would like to extend a hand to all of you to return and redo the year over. I am aware that the school isn't finished and so as an elective if you choose, is to help in the restoration. For an extra period and credit towards whatever job you wish to pursue, you can aid in helping bring Hogwarts back to how it was." Professor McGonagall has taken the place as Headmaster, but she doesn't sit in the head seat. She sits just beside it to honor Dumbledor and it melts my heart. Around her is Flitwick, Slughorn, Filch, Sprout and Madame Pomfrey. And of course, Hagrid my old friend. His eyes are wet and red with tears but a smile is on his face.

Cheers erupt throughout the room. Even the ghosts have come out again. Nearly-headless Nick sits in the back of the room ready to swoop in and talk to us once again.

"Quiet! I'm not finished." She bellows. The lights over us shake with the power in her voice. "I know how hard the war was for all of you. You are children. You shouldn't have had to be a part of that. I know that some of you had to because of your family and I know some of you felt that it was your duty but that doesn't change the fact that you were never supposed to be a part of that and I would give anything to take each of your places. But, I can't and it's already happened. But I know that for some of you, it will never be in the past. Not really. I know some of you were in the heart of it and you can't unsee or undo what you've been through. As an extension of my power as Headmistress, I would like to offer somewhat of a support group two nights out of the week for as long as people attend. We would meet in this very room and it will be a safe place for each of you to get anything off your chest. Nothing is off the table and any judgment won't be tolerated. Please come. I will have the first meeting tomorrow night. Dinner will be provided if you'd like." Mrs. McGgonagall speaks softly and I can hear her voice crack occasionally.  Some of the students have begun to cry at her words and I have to say that it takes a lot out of me to not cry too.

"Will you come with us, Harry?" Hermione asks me. I look at her for a moment before nodding. "Great! You can spend the day at the Burrow with us and we can go together!" Her face lights up as she hugs Ron. He kisses her forehead and I smile. My two best friends fit together well. I'm happy they have each other. I wish I had something like that.