Understanding

Part 11

I was right. It was a really long day. Draco hasn't spoken to me at all since yesterday on the train. We didn't sit together in any class together and he looked at me with the same sneer he did last year as if nothing has changed. People have been staring at me all day and when he is around, they gawk at both of us. They aren't afraid to ask questions either even though I have made it very clear we aren't together and he's made it pretty clear he doesn't even like me. Not just as a boyfriend, but at all. He is acting like he hates me and if I'm being honest, I kind of believe he does. It's not my fault that they got the wrong idea but I can easily beat myself up over it. We were really getting along. We had made arrangements with McGonagall to go to the burrow every weekend to spend time with Scorpius and now I'm worried that won't happen. I want him to see his son, but I really just want to see him. I want to talk to him and let him know I didn't plan for this. I want to keep helping him. I miss his presence and our talks even if they weren't always meaningful. I wonder if he is still having nightmares. I wonder if someone is there to help him through them. He looks as cool and collected as always. There isn't a hair out of place anytime I see him and his robes are over perfect wrinkle-free dress pants and a button-up. I miss when we were at home and he would walk lazily into the bathroom in the morning without a shirt. His pair would stick up every which way and he'd bump me out of the way to wash his face off. Sometimes he would miss the remains of sleep in the corners of his eyes and he'd rub them out with his fists. He seemed so comfortable and innocent. I miss how domestic everything was before all of this. I don't know what I expected, honestly. He wouldn't have been able to hang out with me much and we probably wouldn't really talk but I at least knew he didn't loathe my entire existence. Now... well, I'm not so sure. Hermione and Ron have been really nice about the whole thing. After coming around to the whole idea of Draco, Ron even began offering ways to approach him. Now the boy is bugging me in our shared room.

"What if you just went to the dungeon to the Slytherin dorms? It's not like they really hate you now." He shrugs.

"Not now, Ron. I'm not in the mood and the new DADA professor is already expecting a fifteen-inch paper by tomorrow. You should be working on it too." I warn him.

"I already did it. Hermione helped me in the library."

"And by help, do you mean she did it?" I ask.

"Even if she's my girlfriend, you know bloody well she wouldn't do that." He points out and I have to agree. She's amazing, but not that amazing. 

"Yeah, I know. It'd be nice though." I say.

"Hey. She's saved our asses enough. I couldn't ask for more." He sighs dreamily, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling.

"You're totally whipped, mate." I chuckle under my breath and shake my head. I still have a few more lines to write and I am at a loss.

"Speaking of which, would you ever date Malfoy?" He faces my bed once again and my eyes go wide.

"What do you mean?" I cough.

"Come on, dude. I'm not blind. You let the bloke move in with you and now you two are raising his child. And, you are the only person to ever defend a Malfoy in court... like ever. And those photos aren't edited. You did hold his hand and shit." His words make me sink further and further down as I try to escape my embarrassment.

"That's crazy," I mumble and he rolls his eyes.

"Sure. Whatever. Night, Harry." Ron pulls the string on the light and rolls under the covers. I cast the spell to illuminate the area around me but I can't focus.

"Ron?" I call.

"Hmm?"

"Do you think I would date Draco?" Ron sits up again at my words and faces me.

"Honestly? I don't really know. I didn't think the two of you would ever be friends and here you are cohabitating. And I mean... you did vouch for him. That's a big deal. And if you're asking me about it, it means you aren't entirely sure either way so it's definitely a possibility." He shrugs and I sigh. Of course he takes this moment to brighten up and become good with words.

"I don't know what to feel." I mutter.

"I would tell you to talk to Hermione about it but she would have a heyday with this. Relationships have become her new forte what with her and I, Neville and Luna, and you and Ginny at one point." We both laugh at the way she kind of inserted herself into our relationships. She always wanted me to talk to her about everything that went on between Ginny and me. It was sweet that she was so invested but I felt awkward being the one who told her it was over.

"Yeah... no. I think I'll just avoid the subject all together until it goes away." I admit and he grins.

"Alright, mate. Whatever floats your boat but if you did decide to date him... well I support you." He says seriously and reminds me why he will always be my best friend.

"Thanks, Ron. I'm sure it'll work itself out."

"Ight but if you make a habit of bringing dangerous death eaters into your home, I won't be so cool about it."  He warns and a laugh bursts from my chest.

"You almost took Draco out when you first saw him."

"You have a point. He's just such an insufferable prat." He groans.

"He's not that bad." I defend.

"Easy for you to say. I'm not the one trying to shag the guy." He remarks and I turn bright red.

"I'm not trying to shag him!" I whisper shout while trying to hide my face. I can't even imagine doing... that... with him. How would that even work? I mean, I know how it works but how would we work? Like... there has to be a top and a bottom. "Damn you, Ron." I growl and he laughs.

"You're thinking about it, aren't you?"

"Shut up." I snap. I finish my paper while Ron's snores fill the room. It's rather difficult because I can't stop myself from thinking about Draco. I can't deny that he has grown up really well from that little blonde kid with too much hair gel in first year. He's tall now. Taller than me. His blond hair is no longer greasy and stiff. It looks soft now and very touchable. His skin didn't ever reach that awkward acne phase which has to be some sort of blessing. He is as flawless as always. He is thin but when he was eating well, his muscles could be seen through his shirt and his waist was slender but his hips widened out as it reached his bottom and his thighs are full. He has such a strong well-built body. And his face is very attractive. I can't deny that maybe I am attracted to him. His eyes are this pale blue that could pass as grey half the time and his lips are full and they look soft too. I can't believe I am thinking about this, but I can't seem to stop. He always looks so good, even when he is just waking up and lounging around the house. And when he was holding Teddy or Scorpius, he looked wildly attractive. Like the baby was something extra to make him look even more manly. It's going to hurt like hell when he and Scorp move out because I'm so used to  Draco and Scorp is such a good baby. He's fairly quiet and cute like his daddy and he looks around with his wide curious eyes taking in the new world. It melts my heart. 

Merlin... maybe I do want to date him. His personality sure has grown on me. He is funny and sweet in his own cocky way. He can hold intelligent conversations and joke about whatever the next moment. And even sitting in silence with him feels natural. I believed every word I said to the Minister about him. He is a good person and he's just like me. He is a victim of circumstance and he can't help that. We can't help it if our destinies were laid out for us when we couldn't even talk or walk. And I hate that he had to be punished for who his parents are. He should have had a choice but instead, he was tortured and his torture doesn't seem to end. Even after that, he had to deal with the trial and now the scrutiny of his peers. It's not fair. At least my peers like me. He's not innocent, but he's not really the criminal either and I wish everyone understood that. Hell, I wish he understood that because his self-loathing is going to eat him alive. 

I think I do like him. In a way that is more than friends. Even if I don't know how we would work in any circumstance, I want to find out. I just... I can't. I can't do that to him. He already has to deal with enough with these accusations of us dating and he is struggling with those. I couldn't put my feelings on him. And truthfully, I'm afraid to lose him completely. He already hates me for this. I don't want to never be able to talk to him again. I can't do that to me.

I'm screwed.