Abyss - Book Five of the Alpha Series - MxM

Chapter 42

For most of my life; I'd watched my mother follow two steps behind my father. She had donated her body to the cause, producing heirs, and becoming his talisman for lack of a better word. She'd remained at home, while he explored the neighboring countries, she had been graceful when rumors circulated of his infidelity, and humble in the face of all the charity she promoted.

But was she happy?

I struggled to remember if his presence ever served her well, knowing him as I did in purgatory, I could see how she might have found Lord Darius charming. Their marriage had been arranged, she had little say in what her future would be, and the thought of dooming another person to live behind me made my stomach twist into knots.

 My brothers pined for women as they came of age, fought for the right to be King, gained favor and were the picture of nobility. Fate was cruel, placing me in their spot, ending their lives one the cusp of brilliance. When I was alone, I struggled not to dwell on it, not to feel as though I'd stolen this life no matter how hard I fought to make it.

Ana called it survivors guilt.

Yet, watching the joy it brings my false wife, dampens the blow.

Over the hardships of the past few years, I can't say that settling down and stepping out of the crosshairs of danger sounded like a punishment any longer.

Years of torment, prodding, and stares will come to a graceful end, where I had been thoroughly convinced we'd be fighting for our lives at the gallows for our sexual preferences or our political beliefs. If I had ever wondered if there was a god, those questions were beginning to become clearer as it seems the perfect match had been chosen for me, not once, but twice, with Verando and now, Fillipa.

In my happiness, I feel the pang of regret that comes with a lack of self-acceptance. Even if it's the perfect ending given our circumstances, it's not the ending I wanted. I had promised myself I'd try to find a way to wed the one person who had asked me repeatedly to be his, but I'd fallen short of the promise. 

I had fallen for the seduction of simplicity. Changing everyone's mind on magic beings was easier if I wasn't also trying to gain their approval of my preference.

 I longed for easy, for simple. 

After the never-ending tour, it was too tempting to race towards the finish line now that'd I'd tasted comfort once again. The glorious embrace of soft beds and plentiful food, the bliss of routine and the distinct lack of the barbaric musk of men at war.

Sighing as I exit the dining hall, I can't help but think, What's one more compromise?

My warlord had become absent once again, missing in a vast city so close to his home, it was enough to have me on edge every time he left the gates of Naptalion's estate. I found myself fighting for reasons to keep him contained, wondering what exactly was offered outside those gates that kept him looking beyond the windows.

Freedom was the cost of compromise.

Was he looking for the place that called to him, a place he'd been forced to leave?

 After our meeting with Emperor Naptalion, I fell into the surge of wedding planning, and he had begun to avoid me once more.

 It could be that it was too painful for him to think about, to see me with someone else, but I wonder if it was that he found himself at home in the familiar streets of France.

 France was more of a home to him than Romania, the place that enslaved him, that caused the near extinction of his people. 

Truthfully, I've been afraid to look for him, but as I count the hours since I'd last heard his voice, the anxiety begins to climb into my throat once again.