i do not sleep
so much anymore. nothing ever happens when i do. reality has become blurred with my dreamscape. so i ask myself what's the point? i don't sleep so much anymore.
instead i lay awake, semiconscious, and awaiting something. what it is i'm not quite sure yet, and maybe it's for the best, but curiosity keeps me tossing and turning and my thoughts do a chaotic dance across my pillow as i pull and twist at the blankets, begging my eyes to do something, make a choice! i've only ever been able to sleep in the pitch dark, really. the nightlights were abandoned when i realized how quickly eyes adjust to darkness. when i was young i would tell myself i'm meant to be nocturnal. i would lay awake and try to see in the dark, analyzing the walls and the windows around me, trying so hard to make out the shapes. i had just learned about nocturnal animals in third grade, you see, and i equated myself to a creature of the night, a bat, perhaps. now in present day, the nightlight remains rejected, but somehow my brain stays awake. fleeting noisily around, hitting walls and scratching windows instead of simply observing. oh what i would give for a real night's sleep! one where i can tell where i've gone this time, where i can wake up and be content with the work that's been done. my brain has been consumed by this everlasting fog, and i see no clear point out. sometimes i reach out an arm, grasping for another person who might be lost in the same fog, but then i remember the rules i made as a child, laying awake at night, shaking in fear. keep all arms and legs on the bed, lest monsters are lurking, waiting to drag you away. take care of yourself, i said. those dark shapes you try so hard to see i the dark might not be the same pile of clothes they were in the daylight. i've failed that girl, that cautious and sweet young girl who made so many rules for herself, out of fear. already, not even a full woman, and i've broken my own personal promises. i guess they'd say that's all part of growing up, but something tells me i needed that nightlight, that maybe i was scared of the dark after all and it's far too late to go back now, because i've become accustomed to the pitch black. the darkness consumes me but by now it's familiar and feels just like home. i lay down on my soft mattress and wrap my blankets tight. turning out the lights, i hope that this time, maybe in the morning, i'll remember what i dreamt of, instead of seeing the same dark and empty cavern in my mind, no nightlight to be seen.
