control
the day i realized that i no longer was the girl i was before, it was a sad day indeed, and not too far away from today, really.
i realized that nothing has been the same
as nothing ever will be again
because things change
they change and they change and there's nothing you can do about it.
except accept.
one might try to cope. one might gingerly slice up their skin on the cold floor of the bathroom, quietly wishing that this wasn't the only way they could feel a damn thing anymore. or one might pour their heart and soul into a simple painting on their bedroom wall, looking for something to distract them from it all and fill the blank and empty walls of their heart.
the things one does to distract from reality, the things one does to fill the empty void left by the past, the things one does to avoid the consequences of her old and naive self, they never really seem real, as nothing ever does, until you stop one day and realize that everything you thought that you had, it's gone! without a trace, without a meager goodbye, the illusion in the desert you saw—the mirage of an oasis—is gone, and in its place there is a dark hole, deep and echoing, filled with the feelings you fought so hard to bury.
the sleeping dragon has awoken, and now it's here to wreak havoc! so one now is faced with a choice. perhaps she will simply retire back to the safety of her home and quietly draw the dragon, turn those ghastly scales into simple charcoal marks on butcher paper, hoping that this will create peace between her and the beast, if not just for now. or perhaps, she will get impatient, and she will use her own blood, the stench of the sorrow inside her own body, to lure that dragon in and when it arrives at her doorstep she will lunge forward, arms open wide, and she will hold it tight, warm and close, closing the distance between her and her demons. and with tears in her eyes she will get her head bitten clean off.
one would think she wouldn't even see it coming.
but this was something she had planned.
she had seen this coming miles off and confidently chosen to provoke it.
because this, just for a moment, made her feel like she was finally in control.
and it's all she had ever wanted all her life.
