forget about me // daisuga ♡ [completed]

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--» 6/13
[ 3.23 pm ]
[ Point of view: Sugawara Kōshi ]

I could feel my heartbeat in my fingertips through the paper.
That's how I lied there - On my bed at home, pressing my left hand on my chest, between my hand and chest was a piece of paper my mum gave me today.

It must've been three months now since Daichi and me had the accident.
It was my birthday today, unfortunately, I had to celebrate it without Daichi. Everyone of the team came to have lunch with me after they promised to keep it a secret. Daichi came in the morning and brought a letter to my mum, then he left, crying as my mum told me, and he never came back.

I got a lot of cool presents for my birthday. Since I wasn't able to do sports anymore, I was grateful for all the books and movies I got. I would lie if I say it was easy. Because it was the hardest thing to be told ever.

I had woken up in a hospital, the accident had been almost two weeks ago. I had woken up and the first thing I had seen was a wheelchair next to my bed. And that a part of the left half of my body had been missing. My left leg had been gone. Then I had realised that my left arm had been gone, too. It had felt so weird.

I had been all alone, nobody had been around and had told me what the hell had happened to me. It had been hard to be on my own after waking up and noticing I had lost a half of my body and no one had explained why, no one had hugged me and no one had taken my fear. Yes, I'd been scared.

I had never been that scared in my life. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to think. I had tried to move and it'd felt so weird. And nobody had been around to help me. So I just had started crying and screaming very loudly. I thought this was a really bad dream.
I didn't have memories of the accident before, but when they had finally returned, all I could think about was Daichi. If I looked that way, what had happened to him? I had to find out, but I couldn't. Not without being really able to move.

After I had screamed so long that my voice cracked and had been gone for a moment, a doctor had come into my room. He had informed other doctors I was awake and had tried to calm me.

» Good morning, Sugawara. I want you to calm down first. I know it's hard. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. But we will explain everything. Just breathe, you will be okay. Do you want me to do something for you? «, the doctor that came in had asked and sat down next to me - where my left leg was supposed to be.

» Can we just talk? «, I had asked and tried to wipe the tears away. I'd just wanted to talk and forget about anything else for a moment.
» Yes, of course. What do you want to talk about? «
» May I ask what's your name? «
» My name is Yashimito, but you can just call me Mito. Your name is Sugawara, right? «
» Yes, but just call me Suga. Do you know someone called Sawamura Daichi? We must've come here together. «
» Sawamura is doing well. He is still asleep, but he's hurt less than you. All that will be left is a scar on his thigh, so don't worry about him. «

Finally, a few other doctors had come in and sat down next to my bed. My parents had got in too.
When my mother had seen me, she had started to cry and grabbed the hand I had still left and she had held it all the way.

» How are you doing? «, a doctor had asked and looked at me.
I didn't know what to say. I had been so damn furious. I lost the left half of my body, had woken up alone, had been scared shitless and someone had just asked me how I was doing.
» Pretty bad, I guess. «, I had answered, trying to stay calm.

» Do you hurt? «
» No, I ain't feel nothing. «, I had answered. That was true, I had no feeling in the left half of my body anymore.
» That's good. «
I had almost lost it. Did they just say it was good if I didn't feel anything? I just couldn't believe it.

» Can I finally have an explanation now? «, I had asked and looked at my mother.

» Sweetie, you had a car crash two weeks ago. We don't know what exactly happened yet. A car crashed into the left side of the car. That's where you sat. The car crashed right into you. «, my mum had explained.
» That's why we couldn't save your leg and your arm anymore. We should be glad your head is doing okay. I know this is hard. But you have to deal with it now, I'm sorry. «, a doctor had continued.

I'd wanted to start crying. They had said it as if they didn't care about how I felt. Of course I knew I had to deal with it now, I knew I couldn't change the past. But they could had told me this in a better way.

It was like my world was torn apart. My life was destroyed. I could spend the rest of it in a wheelchair or with an artificial body now.

The next days were tough. I had gotten an artificial leg and arm, some kind of prosthesis. I had to train how to walk with it and how to use my arm everyday. And I had made one of the hardest decisions of my life.

I didn't think Daichi could stand to see me this way. I had feared he would never forgive himself for that. I'd loved Daichi for so long and I didn't want to do this to him. I had wanted him to completely forget about me and to move on. Without me in his life. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me, I didn't want his pity. I didn't want to be exhausting to be around with, just like my dad had said. My father had left my mum two days after I had woken up.

» Kōshi is handicapped. He will never be able to do sports again or to see the world as he used to. Do you really think I could stand this? I'm leaving. Tell Kōshi I love him, but he's not my son anymore. I was okay with having a son who never needed any pity or extra attention. He will be exhausting to be with now. Life is getting more expensive now. Because of him. Don't you see what he's doing to us? If you're smart, you just leave too. Can you really take this responsibility? «

I remember every word my father had said. The worst thing is, I had heard all of it. He had said it right in front of me when they'd thought I was asleep.
And I can tell, it hurt. Of course, my mother had defended me. She had kicked him out of the hospital after he'd said what he said. But I was afraid Daichi would feel the same about me.

So all I could do was to build up a few lies.
I had told my mother about my plan. She'd hesitated, if I'd really do this, I couldn't change my mind anymore, but I had told her I really wanted this. And she was the only one to help me.

So, everyone knew I was alive and doing okay - but not Daichi. My mother had told his parents about my plan. So, Daichi was told I was dead. He was told my funeral was before he woke up so he couldn't come, he was told they buried my body so far away that he could never make it to my grave.

I felt guilty. And it was so hard for me to stay hidden. I missed Daichi so much that I could cry.  But I couldn't just appear after all the lies I've told. But if Daichi just forgot about me, he could move on with life and I wouldn't remind him of what he had done all the time. I wasn't sure if it was the right decision, but that's what I wanted: Daichi to forget about me and the accident.