forget about me // daisuga ♡ [completed]

~.◇ ³ ◇.~

6/13
2.54 pm
[ Point of view: Sawamura Daichi ]

It was tough. Since the accident, a lot changed around me. I changed. I noticed what happened to me since Suga died. I didn't even go to a university. I was alone in my room all day. I started pushing everyone away, I didn't talk to anyone anymore. It was just me I talked to. I noticed how I started to freak. There were days I was just lying in bed all day and crying my eyes out. There were days I drank alcohol and started to get aggressive so I destroyed my room.

I wasn't the same person I used to be. I felt like a monster. I had killed my best friend, the person I loved. My room was a mess. Broken bottles of glass, shards of broken objects I destroyed, old food my mum brought me but I didn't even touch, dirty clothes, trash, medicine I took to calm down, knives I used to cut myself, dried blood on the floor. I didn't care about anything anymore. Especially about me.

I might cut myself, but I could never cut that deep to actually take my life. To pay for what I did. I thought, the only thing I could do to get what I deserved was suicide. Every morning, I was about to take out my razor blade. Every noon, I was about to skip another meal. Every afternoon, I was about to leave the house and jump in front of a train. Every evening, I was about to take an overdose. Every night, I was about to grab one of the stupid knives and just end it all. But I never did. I tried countless times, but I couldn't. I always thought of Suga and how much he would hate to see me this way.

That's why I was still here.

My phone ringed. I had just locked my room so no one could come in during my daily mental breakdown. I didn't want to take the call. I saw it was Asahi, so I just let it ring and ignored it. Asahi checked on me once a week since I didn't talk to anyone else, but I always lied about how I felt. But he called again and again so I just had to take it.

» What the hell is wrong? «, I asked annoyedly.
» Hey, sorry for bothering you. I just wanted to check if you are doing okay. «
» I don't need a baby sitter, thanks. Besides, what do you think? It's my dead best friend's birthday and I can't spend it with him, I can't even see his grave. So, I'm probably doing awesome. «
» Daichi, did you drink again? «
» Leave me alone. «
I hung up and turnt off my phone. Asahi was kind of used to this now.
But I was right, he didn't need to check on me. And it was my decision to drink.

So I finished another bottle of alcohol and lied down in bed. It was just too much for me. I couldn't carry this weight of guilt anymore.

Suddenly, someone knocked on my door. Great, another one to bother me.
» Daichi? Are you in there hun? «
» Dachi is not at home. «, I said as I put on my headphones to listen to music. It was funny how my taste of music turnt that fastly. But I slowly began to hate what I heard. I put them off again and stood up. I regretted to drink the last bottle of alcohol. Everything around me was turning. I could try as hard as I wanted, I couldn't really stand still. I fell and broke a few of the empty bottles I fell into. Of course the shards stuck into my body now and unfortunately, I didn't die from it.

It didn't hurt much, but I knew it was the alcohol that kept me away from feeling it.
» This is fucking bullshit... «, I thought and tried to stand up. Blood was running down my almost naked body. I was only wearing my boxershorts. I started to freak again. I took one of the shards and started to spread a few cuts over my body. Since I was bleeding anyways, it didn't matter anymore. But I cut two words into my right thigh. I wanted them to be so deep that I could still read the words in a few years, if I was still alive then and the cuts were supposed to be scars.
" Sorry Suga ", they said. This excuse of mine would last forever now.

I didn't care about the blood anymore. I just let it dry on the floor and my body. Who even cared about this mess?

I took some of the medicine to finally calm down a bit. What if I just took an overdose? Nobody would care anyways. But I didn't. Not yet. I would do it later. I wanted to write letters first if I did something like that. I wanted people to understand why I did what I did so no one blamed themselves because I knew what it was like. So I did, I got out some paper and wrote letters. But I didn't put a lot of effort in it. I didn't stand to sit still. I needed more alcohol, so I drank another half of a bottle.

But it seemed to be way too much now. I couldn't control myself anymore. I just called Asahi and literally screamed:
» It's too late now! «
Then I laughed.
» Daichi, what do you mean? Calm down, I- «
» I'm finally doing it now! I mean it! Nobody of you is brave enough to stop me anyways. So, goodbye I guess. «
» Wait, we can talk about this! Don't hang up now! «
» Talk about what? «
» Daichi, why are you doing this? This isn't you. The Daichi I used to know would never act like that. So what happened to you in the past three months? «
» What happened to me? You know what happened! I killed my best friend, it's my fault he's dead! So why do I deserve to be alive? Right, I don't! So there's nothing we could talk about. «
» Daichi, do you really want to do this? It's his birthday today! Suga couldn't stand to see you this way... «
» Oh yeah, right! If I kill myself, we can celebrate it in heaven! «
» Daichi, stop! Suicide is a sin. You'd go to hell. «
» Well, that's what I deserve anyways. Doesn't matter. «
» Why did you call me if you didn't want me to stop you? «
» I never wanted you to stop me. I just drank a lot and lost a lot of blood and I took some pills, that's why I might be a little confused. «
I laughed again. Nobody would save me anyways so I could tell him what I've done.
» You did what? Daichi, stay where you are. I'm coming. «
» Nah, leave me alone. It's too late! Suga is gone. He's the only one who could have stopped me. Byebye! «, I said and hung up. Then, I opened my door widely so my mum could come in easier to find the letters I wrote.

Then, it was time. I took all of the pills I had left and drank even more alcohol to swallow them easier. I knew that these were pills that wouldn't just make me vomit.
» I guess that's it now. Easier than I thought. «, I thought and lied down on the floor. I closed my eyes and started to smile. It was over now. I escaped from life. I paid for what I did.