Vent book...

1-21-20

so...this happened today....sorry for spelling errors...

my mom walked in the door pissed off. she took her shoes off and glared at me. I couldn't look my mom in the eye. I didn't do anything...or at least I thought I didn't. she placed her bag down near me causing me to flinch...I thought she was going to hit me...its happened before, I paled knowing I'd fucked up now. an unspoken rule in my house, Never Flinch Away From Mom.

"why'd you flinch?" she asked still very pissed. if she wasn't going to hit me before she will now..."I said, why did you flinch?" she demanded. she didn't even give me a chance to respond. "you thought I was going to hit you? huh? am I really that bad of a mother? am I so bad that you had to flinch away because you thought I was going to hit you!?"

"n-no I-" she cut me off once more. "what? you what ?! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAY!!!!!" she yelled at me. so...I don handle yelling well...when people yell, it makes me was to curl into myself and cry that or try and run to get out of the situation as quick as possible. flight or freeze is what happens to me...and I froze...I curled into myself and started to shake as she yelled. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT?! ARE YOU REALLY THAT SCARED OF YOUR OWN FUCKING MOTHER!!"

I was trying not to ball my eyes out then and there...then she stomped away and I tried to run to my room, but my mom was standing there with her shore. " YOUR SO UNGRATEFUL, DO YOU WANT TO BE THROWN OUT ON THE STREETS DO YOU WANT NO PLACE TO LIVE? NO FAMILY?!" she yelled and threw her shoe at me., I put my hands over my head and luckily the shoe just hit my arms, but it still hurt...it was a fucking shoe...then again, you'd think I'd be used to this.

"DO YOU WANT NO ONE TO LOVE YOU!" she screamed at me. finally I broke and started bowling my eyes out sliding down to the floor. "THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME! I AM LOVED, EVEN IF I WERE TO BE KICKED OUT, PEOPLE WOULD STILL LOVE ME!" I sobbed. my mom walked over to me walked over to my and slapped me over top of the head. "don't you DARE talk back to me child!" she growled before puling me up by the hair. " room now! give me your phone, I don't want to see you anymore!" she yelled.

I nodded and cried more as she snatched my phone out of my hands before I ran into my room, falling to the floor sobbing.

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its now, 8: 42 [ 6:42] I have talked to someone and I'm feeling better, I still haven't seen my mother but yeah...ill be okay.