C'est La Vie

Peace in Remembering

When I was born,
I knew her love before I could recognize her face,
I felt her touch before I could understand her words,
The seeds of her memory planted themselves in the garden of my young mind
And they grew into inevitable love,
When I was young,
We baked cookies together,
She taught me lessons and told me stories that calmed the fears dancing in my mind,
She held my hand and lead me through the maze of life,
Covering my eyes to shield my innocence from the harsh world around me I wasn't aware of,
And I grew,
When I became older,
I drifted.
Anxiety built a home for me,
painted it my favorite colors to distract me from the locked door,
knocks of those who loved me consumed by the poison lacing my thoughts,
I felt warmth in its arms, but the words it whispered chilled my bones.
The house shook and rumbled from every earthquake that happened in my mind,
destroying the walls it built for me but the ones I built myself were stronger,
I stood day by day waiting for something I didn't know,
Stuck in the traffic of my own mind, yet
I drove every single one of those cars,
Silence,
For so long I yearned for it,
But in its presence I wanted it gone,  
I was so focused on the need for it,
That I didn't realize who was at my door all this time,
Who tended to my garden,
And whose shouts although loud were quieter than the whirling winds surrounding me.
When I lost her,
I felt the feeling of her embrace drifting from my memory,
the knife of her absence stabbing at my heart,
The walls i worked so hard to build crumbled gently like the crust of a pastry,
And I realized that all this time,
I was trapped in a cage I had the key to.
When I tried to move on,
The roots of the trees so long grown struggled to keep themselves anchored in my dirt,
Winter came and with the shriveled leaves my tears fell,
I once felt so warm in the arms of my own ignorance but in the arms of my mother I felt love,
I told myself that isolation is better than confrontation,
But once I came face to face with my loneliness I saw the deceit in its eyes.
I was so blinded by the beauty of the rose it gave me I didn't feel the pain of it's thorns digging into my palm,
When I let go,
I watched the flower fall to the ground,
Touching the floor quietly,
My shoulders sore from the weight that once burdened them,
And I realized how selfish I had been,
All she wanted was a picture with me,
Her first granddaughter, on that night
And now as I remember the faint echo of music,
It replays itself in my mind,
Over and over and over until a song I once danced to makes my heart hard in my chest,
But I had to accept the fact that she was gone.
When I came to acceptance,
I felt her comforting presence around me,
The sweet scent of her perfume still fresh in my nose,
And I finally found peace.
Peace in remembering her.