Snakes and Crepes (Ineffable Husbands)

If I Could Tell Him

I wish he could see me. I wish he could see me for me. Sometimes I feel as though I am talking to a wall. I love Aziraphale, and I always will. He has been my companion in life for over six thousand years. I don't care what label is on it: friends, best friends, boyfriends, husbands. I am happy as long as he's here with me, but a part of me wishes that he could see me how I see me.

I don't like me.

I tell him this, and it doesn't seem to register with him. He just tells me that I'm handsome, witty and whatnot. I know what I am. I am a failure. I failed being an angel, and I failed being a demon. I have failed God; I have failed Satan.

I laid flat on the library floor as I thought to myself. The carpet was clean as if it was new due to Aziraphale being a bit of a clean freak and having magical abilities.

"Dear boy," Aziraphale exclaimed. "What in the world are you doing on the floor? We've been over this. If you want to rest, use a bed. Don't sleep on the wall, floor or in a closet. Humans created beds for a reason."

"Ugh," I grumbled as I stood up. "Angel?"

"Yes?"

"Do you ever feel lonely?" I asked.

"Well I," Aziraphale stuttered, looking unsure of how to respond to my question. "Sometimes I do find myself a slight bit lonely when you aren't around, but you always come back so I suppose I am not truly alone."

"No, I mean- er- do you ever want to be part of something bigger?" I asked.

"Pardon?"

"Do you ever wish you had a group of people that are always there for you and think like you?" I asked.

"I have you, Crowley. You have me. I don't need a group of supernatural beings to make me feel good about myself. I've already crossed that bridge," Aziraphale said as he stacked books on a shelf.

"Yeah," I grumbled. "Of course."

Aziraphale stopped what he was doing, turned around and cocked an eyebrow at me. His clothing was perfectly ironed, and they fit him exquisitely. The only clothing that my angel wore differently was socks. He absolutely adored fun socks. Fun socks were always my go to gift for him since he adored them so much. "What's the matter, dear boy?"

"I'm pretty useless," I blurted out. "I'm really useless actually. I don't have much of a purpose anymore. Sure, I've done important things like make the stars or whatever." I sighed. "But do I have anything to do now? No. The only friend I have is you. Everyone else who likes me is going to die. Sure Newt is a nice guy, but his days are numbered."

"That's terribly morbid," Aziraphale said as he carefully took my hand.

"Before Armageddon I could at least poke Haster, but he just wants me in holy water," I explained.

"Well, you did put his friend in holy water."

"Oh—please that bastard deserved every drop of that holy water," I insisted. Deep down, I felt a bit of remorse for dousing Ligur in holy water.

"Perhaps you should join a club of some sort?"

"Oh yes! The club for unwanted demons who are looking to make some eternal friends. There are plenty of those to join," I huffed sarcastically.

"Don't take the tone with me or there will be no date night tomorrow. You are going to make a new friend by tomorrow afternoon," Aziraphale stated.

"No, I'm not."

"Well, not with that attitude."

"You don't understand," I complained. "You're not listening."

"I am listening."

I huffed, turning into a snake to show my displeasure with the argument. I attempted to wiggle away, but Aziraphale just caught me. He put me in his jacket pocket, carefully petting my head.

I don't know why he likes me so much. I don't know what this angel sees in me. Why won't he just let me slither away and pout in a corner with my plants?

"Dear, I am sorry that you're having a bad day. When you're feeling better, we can continue the conversation," Aziraphale cooed.

I couldn't help but to give into his angelic touch. His hands were the softest in the world , and his voice was so soothing that it could have been a lullaby. I nuzzled my head against his hand as he pet me.

"But please stay here with me," Aziraphale mumbled. "I don't like it when you slither off."

I did— on occasion— slither away for a bit. I always came back, and I only ever do it to clear my thoughts. However, this was a tiny argument and nothing to slither away over.

"A customer!" Aziraphale careful took me out of his pocket, kissing my head. He sat me beside the register. I laid there like a helpless noodle.

I closed my eyes, trying to think about all the things that I enjoy to make myself feel better. Wine, Aziraphale, whiskey and house plants are all amazing things. I've also grown quite fond of tiny succulents. I've accumulated a bunch of them, and they seem to be growing fairly well. They don't shake when I'm around like the other plants do. I bet Aziraphale put potatoes in their ears— or angelical promises in their plant pores.

"Ah-!" The costumer yelped. They had accidentally squished my snake tail with their hand. I wiggled away in shock, falling off the counter by accident. 

I hit the ground, shifting back into my demon form. My wings were exposed. I had my eyes shut as tight as I could. Falling was worse than looking death in the eyes. "Bloody hell," I grumbled beneath my breath.

The costumer schreeched, a normal human response to seeing a snake transform into a demon. "You're a— you're a," she stumbled over her words.

"You're a pain in my—" I began before I was cut off by Aziraphale.

"Crowley!"

I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath in, hiding my wings again. My glasses had fallen off, making it hard to see. Everything was so bright that it was blurry.

"You're eyes! What's the matter with them?" The customer asked.

"I have a deadly disease transferred by pushing me off the counter. That's what's wrong them. Your eyes change colors if you have the disease."

"Really?" The costumer asked, concern washing over her face.

"No you idiot! I'm a demon."

This just caused the costumer to look more panicked. Aziraphale rolled his eyes. "Stop being rude and go up stairs." He told me.

I was about to debate, but I refrained from doing so out of self preservation. I made my way up stairs. I had a stash of extra glasses in the drawer by Aziraphales bed. To be honest, the light burned my eyes a bit, and the whole experience was rather unpleasant.