Just cause I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy

happy hurts

( Kirishima POV)
Help that was the one word I screamed all the time ,but no one ever cared
,but I guess you can't blame them I'm just a
Useless
Ugly
Stupid
Fat
Slut
That should've never been borned
Honestly sometimes I wish I never existed, but it's not like it's now true I can't even tell what emotions to feel or what to feel at this point I don't even have emotions I just don't know anymore if I see someone laugh I fake  laughed if I see someone cry I fake cry if someone smiles I fake smile
I must be a really good actor cause no one ever saw behind those acts
Or no one ever cared
I was a fool to think any body will care about me
Honestly I don't even know who me is anymore I thought as I looked at the ceiling of my house that was falling apart at the seams I was tired so tired of falling in this never ending abyss
People say life is amazing how it's great those people lie they don't know what grief is of course they don't they live in there own little fantasy land where everything is good in the world I never saw that not one part of my life ever was good I never really experienced what true happiness is school just sucks
I'm failing all the classes
I'm always late
Always being picked on
Teased on
Always being left a broken bloody mess at the back of the school
And have to scrub all of the schools floors cause I'm always late then come home at 11 PM
To be scolded at yelled at I was a fool think I can be hero I was so done with this shit I took all my red riot CDS and movie and threw them on the street tore down all the my stupid posters and tore them to shreds before throwing them on the street and tossing match on them and watch as they ignite in flames the picture of red riot melting and reduced to black powder I took my bed sheets of red riot and threw them at the corner of the block I took all the pictures and my journal filled of hero information and poured gas on them lit a match and watch as flames engulfed the room breathing in the toxic black fumes
I couldn't help ,but dryly laugh at how broken I am the pictures crippled and burned I watched them as I stare at the floor i don't care if my entire room lights up in flames
Red riot just remind me of my broken dream to actually be noticed it was simple ,but so hard to reach
The pictures were reduced to ashes I layed on the bed and cried softly
Why?
Why now?
Stupid crybaby
I thought as tears ran down my cheeks the sun was getting dimmed as it became night thick gray clouds covering the night sky as it began to rain lightning striking right outside my open window if I'm supposed to be killed by all means kill me I don't care anymore
Even god fucking hates me cause I'm a mistake a stupid fucking mistake that should burn in hell forever. I was tired of trying to change myself trying to fit in ,but I knew if i didn't do it people will start getting concerned and I'll be burden again it's not like I'm not a burden
I will always be a burden to people cause I fucking exist
I'm tired of trying to wake up at this point
Can I just drown? Please!
I thought existing doesn't make me happy it just breaks me more letting out a dry laugh at how pathetic I am and loud sob as this was all I wanted ,but i could never get it
Then I hear that voice from downstairs
Ejiroe! Get your fucking ass down here boy you worthless piece of crap! Honestly you should fucking die already!
............... I sighed before I mumbled I know as more tears streamed down my face

........ I want to die too