Just cause I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy

will this end my pain?

(Kirishima's POV)
What!? No! they can't be coming again there supposed to come at midnight! I thought fear flickering in my eyes the same one when my mom was ki- died from suicide I don't blame my mother though I am a useless annoyance that doesn't have the right to be a human ,but yet here I am go and get dressed you little shit!
Yes sir! I said fearfully before running upstairs for my life I looked in the closet and saw my maid stripping outfit I sighed before I putted on my black lace gloves and black high heeled boots I'm so tired of saying everything is amazing at home
why the hell am I lying?
Do I actually care what people think?
Do I actually think people will care about me?
I'm tired of this not understanding this crushing weight of despair that's killing me before eventually I'll give in
I look towards the knives on the floor I took it and went to the bathroom before I brought to my wrist I looked at the pale skin like it was begging to sliced I looked at the mirror I had dark circles under my eyes I dug the knife under my skin as I smiled and tears slid down my cheeks I always had this satisfaction of watching the red droplets roll down my skin
why am I always trying to be perfect?
Why do I act like I am the happiest man in the world? I took my finger nails and dug under the cut and lifted up the flesh seeing my the thin pink layer be my skin last chance of protecting then I saw them and smiled liked a manic my dark green viens I grabbed the knife and brutally stabbed it ,but it wasn't enough even though my own blood was sprayed on my face I hysterically laughed as peeled of my skin I took a match and lit it and watched it burn in the skin the smell of metallic in the air
burn burn you monster my eyes looked so dead for me it was a satisfying feeling seeing how dead I was staring back at me it helped me confirm atleast one emotion I had emotionless the others that people call happiness that I'll never under that looks ,but the thing is I don't want to know how it feels I want to watch it burn then maybe for once I'll be considered normal when everyone dead inside like me I took the the pale flesh I ripped off my skin and dropped  it in the sink. Bits of my flesh on edges of the skin I took a match and lit it and dropped it in the sink. And watched as it burned in the sink I wrapped my right arm since I peeled it's skin and finished putting on my maid outfit and sat on the bed before I began to cry and then I heard the call
Ejiroe get you fucking ugly ass down here the boys are here