Hopeless Honey

Deserving

We were sitting on a park bench, the wind was cool and soft. I heard the leaves on the trees blowing, but it wasn't cold. It was perfect.

I felt Xavier staring at the side of my head. He just kept looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

"What?" I cracked.

"Do you ever feel sad?" He questioned

"Yeah" I looked at him. "Not so much anymore, but I used to be really sad." I said

"How do you stop yourself from wanting to run away, and just forget everything?" He was hurting.

"Xavier" I pulled him into a hug. He was silent but I felt him sigh into my shoulder.

"Sometimes, the hurt that's inside you feels like a wolf that will do anything for food, but you can't feed into it." His blue eyes were red and so were his cheeks were.

"If you can feel hate, you can feel love, too"

"I don't know how to love, no one ever taught me" his voice was deep and serious and my heart shattered.

"I can teach you" I said so softly I didn't think he would hear it.

"Honey, wheres your dad?" He asked out of the blue.

"Uh, I'm not really sure" I answered truthfully.

"I saw him a few times when I was little, the last time I saw him I was 7, on Christmas. But after a while he stopped coming." I wasn't sad about it anymore.

"Do you miss him?" He looked at me with a. Weird face.

"I don't really know, I don't remember what he's like, so I can't really miss him." I smiled

"You know, I think that even after all the fucked up shit my dad has done to me, and to my sisters, I would miss him if he left."

"And sometimes I hate myself for it." He breathed out

"He's your dad" I stated "it's okay to love him"

"He's not a dad" he corrected.

"Sometimes I wish my mom never had kids, I know she tried her hardest to love us, but she can't, she's not capable." He talked freely.

"It not her fault though, I know she never wanted kids."

"I feel the worst for my sisters. They deserve parents who are there. They deserve love."

"So do you" I was tearing up now. "You deserve love too, Xavier"

He just smiled At me. "Let's go home now"

He held my hand as we walked out of the park and made our way home.

"Xavier can you take me to my house?" I stopped walking.

"Huh?" He looked confused.

"My actual house." I laughed. "I haven't been there in a while, I kinda miss it." I half smiled.

"Let's go"

The car ride was quiet and comfortable. He held my hand while he drove, and we listened to music.

"It's up here, on the left." I pointed to my little blue house. The roof was light yellow and the door had a silver knob that was a bit rusty.

I dug into my bag for the key, and when I opened the door, I felt weird. It didn't feel like home.

It was empty, we didn't have much furniture, or family photos, or anything hung up.

Xavier followed behind me as I walked to my bedroom. The walls were pink and the bed was white. There was a framed picture of me and both my parents on my bedside table.

"You look like him" he said as soon as I picked it up. "But prettier" he laughed and so did I.

"So do you wanna hang here for a little while? It's a beautiful home, I wish I could have come sooner."

"Can we go?" I cut him off. "I don't feel happy. I thought I would, but I don't."

"Thankful for coming" I hugged him.

"I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel like I don't belong anywhere." I said sadly

"The only time I feel okay is when I'm with you" he said to me.

"Why can't we be normal?" I laughed, still hugging him tightly.

He just held me tighter.