as long as you care

xii. YOU WEREN'T MINE ANYMORE

chapter twelve,

you weren't mine anymore.

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[unedited] 12.

the ringing of a phone awoke me from my peaceful slumber. i slowly opened my eyes, the warmth of zak's asleep body surrounding me comfortingly. i was laying straight on my back with zak cuddled into my side, so without thinking about the noise too much, i leaned back into his touch.

"mmm.." zak mumbled, and i shushed him, "don't move."

"mhm." he replied, moving closer to me.

so this is what it felt like having a boyfriend. having somebody to lay in bed with, somebody to complement you even when you're looking your worst, and having somebody to adore. to fantasize over. having them constantly in your mind no matter what situation. holding them close to your heart, and protecting them with everything you've got.

leaning over and grabbing my phone, i pressed accept, "hello?" i groggily asked, laying back down and petting zak's hair.

"darryl?" clay's voice asked, "why weren't you here today?"

i rolled my eyes, "what do you think."

"i know.. so.. how are you and zak?" he continued to mischievously ask, and with the sound of his name, zak brought his head up and placed it on my pillow. he listened as i responded, "better than ever."

there was no reply, just muffled papers being flipped. "where are you?" i wondered, connecting gaze with zak. he gave me a small peck on the lips, contently laying in front of me.

"i'm at my house." he responded, his voice sounding dry, "what're you gonna do about the video?"

"why are you so concerned?" i harshly replied.

"because you and zak can't be together, darryl!" he spat, "like — like, i've- i've done everything i could. i tried to get you two away because you can't trust him. he- he- he's not good for you, darryl! have you ever wondered why you can't remember anything past age thirteen!? you only remember our friendship because of the things i've told you! have you ever wondered why you're a zero when you have green eyes and dirty-blonde hair, even though that's considered a ten? have you ever wondered why your parents always struggle to tell you the story of your birth? when they found out dreadfully that you were a zero?"

he paused, "the story that you've been always told is fake, darryl. it was made up as a cover up. after-" he stopped himself, breathing in, and out. "nothing. why am i now the hated one? the one thrown aside when all i wanted was you to be my friend? i didn't want to see you go again, darryl. i — i just.."

"nothing will make up for what i have done and said. i don't expect to come waltzing back into your life, but please, don't hate me. i'm not perfect; i don't have a filter and i don't know how to communicate properly. i never knew how to do that. that's why when i'm under pressure i break. i'm sorry for saying what i did in the car, darryl. i truly am. and i miss your company. i miss you. i miss having someone to talk to, i miss listening to your rants and us being there for each other."

he stopped again, and i could hear the crack of truth in his voice once he began speaking again, "and.. after the car.. after recording that video, i knew that i had lost you. that it was all my fault. i let all the jealousy come rolling back in, just like when we were kids. but now life was more serious. we didn't just brush problems off like we used to. you.. you and zak were always so close, you always liked him better. whenever he wasn't at school, you'd be all over me, but once he came back, i would be in the dust. i always felt left out when we used to hang out, all the three of us. zak — he knew that i was left out. he-" i could hear his voice become shaky, the way it becomes when you begin to tear up, "he just- he knew i needed a friend but continued to take you away from me."

it was like he was reliving the situation all over again. "and.." he sniffed, "and when we got close these years, i- i was so happy. i was ecstatic. i couldn't believe i would stoop so low. and then.. and then he came back, and you weren't mine anymore-" he was sobbing now, "i'm such an idiot. i couldn't stand to be left out anymore, you- you have to understand where i'm coming from.. you were already planning things with him, and — and even though you don't remember zak, your bond was so, so superior that you two would instantly connect like you used to. like we never could."

"i am selfish, i know." he whimpered out, "i know, i know, i know! i get it! that's all i have been hearing the past week. i'm selfish. i only think about myself. but i don't, darryl. i tried to always think about you. i always wanted you to feel involved when i wasn't. i wanted to be happy for you, i wanted to be happy you found someone that you could love so much, but i wasn't. i thought about myself. i thought about how lonely and how stupid it was to feel this way because i could've just talked to you about it! you've always been oblivious, darryl. always. and i accepted that and always took that into consideration, but how could you never notice how i felt? i tried so hard to be happy for you, but you didn't even bat an eye when i would leach onto you when zak was trying to take you away. how i would always ask to hang out and zak would claim that i was inviting myself. i thought — i thought we were a trio.. but, i was only being replaced."

"it scarred me. forever." he stuttered, completely losing himself, "it's- it's something i always feel in my heart when i'm alone. whenever i have too much time to myself i'm back in that emotion. the hurt in my chest. th- the heavy weight on my heart. we were friends since childhood, and i was replaced instantly by a kid you just met. and — you would always make me feel like i involved. before zak. you always told me that even though i was a seven, that i was a ten in your eyes. you would reassure me that being a ten wasn't as good as it seemed. that you would never, ever replace me for a ten. that you would defend anyone that made fun of me, because you believed that everyone deserved to live in happiness no matter what. you didn't really care about my imperfections. you didn't really care that i was on a lower ground than you.

but then, you started to not care. to the point where caring wasn't even an option.

i've-" he sighed, "i've tried to- i've tried to keep you mine, but i lost you. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry that i wasn't there, but you weren't there when i needed you the most. when all i needed was a friend."

i didn't reply. clay huffed, "i've been trying to protect you this whole damn time but i've made myself the bad one! i know the things i have done are terrible, and i don't expect to be forgiven, but please, just know i did it with the intentions of a good person. i don't want you to get hurt anymore than you have. there's a scar beside your eyebrow, have you ever wondered how it got there? how you're always tired even after sleeping? how your parents hide the photographs from your childhood? how your parents never cook stuff using a pot because they're too scared to hurt you? have you ever wondered for answers to the questions and confusion that never made sense?"

"if you knew the answers to these questions, why haven't you told me them?"

"it's not my story to tell! i never thought zak would come back, darryl! i never knew he could live with himself knowing that—"

zak reached over, ending the call.

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