Return to Neverland (snowbaz)

An Evil Plan

It's been a long day for Captain Humdrum. He thought that kidnapping Basilton would help things along, that it would make Simon Snow return so they could finally have their final duel. Ever since the merewolves found him in the water, he's craved the chance to fight Simon again––to see which of the two is the better man. When he was pulled out of the water, rested, and found that Simon had left the island, he was filled with rage. In spite, he managed to capture a fairy and use her dust to get him and some of his other pirates to London so they could increase their numbers. They had so many pirates now that they had started to build a town on the shoreline so each one could have a decent place to sleep. He was sure that Simon's fairy friend, Penelope, would bring Simon back to destroy the his reign of terror on the island, but she hadn't and Simon hadn't returned. He'd even tried kidnapping Philippa again, but Simon never came.

His last resort was to go back to London and kidnap Simon's precious boyfriend. He'd been easy enough to find and bring back, but even that didn't really do it for him. Yes, Simon returned, but it wasn't the Simon that the captain longed to fight. It wasn't the Simon who could see all of the fun possibilities of this showdown. 

"I should have killed Snow when I had the chance," he laments that night. Basilton is being kept in a private chamber guarded by armed pirates. Admittedly, the captain can see what Simon sees in the lad. He's tough, strong, and has a good head on his shoulders. He knows better than to fight back when it's clear he's already lost.

The captain sighs and starts pacing around his luxurious cabin. "What have I done? What have I done, Mage? Agreed to a preposterous plan? An absurd war? Now I'm bound by my word to wait." He sinks down onto his cushy, throne-like chair and runs a hand through his curls, tugging them in annoyance.

"I'll fix you a nice plate," Mr. Mage offers, getting to his feet and piling a plate high with the buffet set on the the long dining table. 

"Wait for what?" the captain continues, mostly to himself at this point. "Whether it be two days or two decades, he will always be a fat, lazy, coward of a Snow. Oh, I hate being disappointed, Mage. And I hate that he got the nice life and gave it all away, and I hate living in Neverland, and I hate, I hate, I hate Simon fucking Snow."

Mr. Mage looks at him, his eyes wide. What the captain would give for a companion, a minion, with even half an ounce of brains and common sense. It makes his blood boil when he thinks about Simon Snow and his damned fairy that's smart and loves him. It makes him so angry that he got stuck with this fat load of nothing whilst Simon got everything handed to him on a silver fucking platter. He's so tired of this game of his––with the waiting. He's done waiting. He's been waiting for over a century to take over Simon's life––to kill him and take what's rightfully his. After all he's been through with their father and his miserable life, he deserves a little something.

It hits him with a sudden clarity, now. The simple solution. "Mage, I've just had a sublime vision. All the jagged parts of my life have come together to form a complete and mystical whole. An epiphany."

Mr. Mage comes over to him with a plate stacked high with food. "A piffy what?"

The captain grins at his terrible, idiotic companion. "My life is over."

"Does that mean you've lost your appetite?"

He wants to punch this imbecile. "Yes. Goodbye." He turns and walks over to his closet.

"Uh, where you goin'? Are you getting dramatic?"

"Goodbye, Mage," he mumbles, opening the closet door. He rummages around for a second and finds the desired item. He pulls it out and points it into the air and walks back over towards Mr. Mage. "No stopping me this time, Mr. Mage. This is it. Don't make a move, Mage. Not a step.My finger's on the trigger."

He turns the safety off and holds the gun to his forehead, anxiously waiting for Mr. Mage to talk him down. "Don't try to stop me, Mage."

Mr. Mage sighs. "Oh, not again!"

It's a silly little game they play––he doesn't even think the gun works after all this time. 

"Try to stop me," he begs. Mr. Mage stays still. The captain rolls his eyes. "Mage, you'd better get up off your ass and get over here!"

Mr. Mage's eyes widen and he leaps clumsily to his feet. He's probably drunk (he's always drunk, for the post part). He wrestles the captain for the gun and manages to take it from his hands.

"Don't ever frighten me like that again," the captain snaps.

"I'm sorry!"

"What are you, some kind of sadist?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. How do you feel now?"

He takes a deep breath. "I want to die." He feels like he's already died, though. He isn't sure when it happened, not exactly. It might have been when his other half went off to Neverland, but it might have been when Simon managed to get him into the water. Or, maybe it was only hours ago when he thought he could finally have his storybook ending and a coward showed up in a button-down instead of his ridiculous tights. "There's no adventure here. Death is the only great adventure I have left, Mage." 

Mr. Mage leads him over to his bed. "Don't upset yourself, Cap'n."

In a weird daze, the captain mumbles a list of things that have gone wrong and things he won't be able to do now that Simon Snow's gone soft.

"There must be a way to get at him, Mage. To get even with him. To get him where it'd really hurt. There must be something I haven't thought of," he says while he undresses himself. "Where is he vulnerable?" He sighs and slides into bed.

"Let's not have any more of this talk of you doin' away with yourself, yeah?" Mr. Mage says. "I mean, what would the world be like without Captain Humdrum?"

He hums in agreement. "Indeed. What would the world be like without Captain Humdrum?"

"There you go!"

"I'm ready for my nightcap," he says, tugging his hat off.

"Abso-fucking-lutely." Mr. Mage starts to prepare his drink. "I think a bit of skullduggery would do you good. Take your mind off this Snow business. First thing tomorrow morning, we'll shoot some tribespeople."

The captain groans. "I'm tired of killing tribespeople and mermaids," he grumbles. "I've been killing them most of my life. I want to kill Simon Snow. I want to kill him, you hear me?"

Mr. Mage turns back towards the captain, the goblet in hand. "I've just had an apostrophe," he gasps.

"I think you mean an epiphany," he growls in response, so exhausted from all of this. 

"Lightning has just struck my brain."

"Well that must hurt."

"Snow's boyfriend," Mr. Mage says, like there's some hidden truth in that statement.

"What about him?"

"You could make him like you," Mr. Mage says.

The captain can't help but chuckle at that. The idea alone is ridiculous. "Say what?"

"No, no, no," Mr. Mage insists, "we could make him love you." He hands the captain the drink and sits down on the bed. "He loves Simon Snow," he goes on.

"Yes..."

"But the thing is, you are Simon Snow. It's the ultimate revenge! Simon's boyfriend in love with the Humdrum!"

"What are you going on about?"

Mr. Mage grins at him. "We could cut your hair," he suggests. "And shave your beard. And you've said it yourself: no one knows Snow better than you do!"

The captain isn't following. 

"Imagine," Mr. Mage beams. "You dress up like Simon Snow. You look like him. You come in, pretend'n like you're trying to save Basilton from the captain, then we lock the two of you up together. You get him to think you're the real Simon Snow, his boyfriend, and, when the day comes, Basilton'll turn on the actual Simon Snow and think that he's the fake!"

The captain grins at him. It is, he has to admit, the perfect plan.