Winding/JJK ⁷

Doubts

Jungkook laid on his small bed in the small room with your diary at hand which he had already read some days ago and more specifically, the same night he took it from your room. At first, he had taken it thinking that the USB might be hidden inside but it was nothing but a normal notebook, which contained your feelings. Feelings that he wasn't aware of till he read through it all. 

You were as mean as any of them to his eyes back then. You seemed to enjoy making him miserable as much as anyone else yet it seems that he was mistaken. In these few pages, were clearly depicted your struggling emotions that you were hiding. Your depression was spread out in the small pages, like black paint on a white canvas.

His feelings were numb as he read it, unlike others who might have found your thoughts scary or terrifying, to him they felt just familiar as he knew well of such demons because you and your friends were from the people who brought them to life within him. And it seems that they were the ones that had awoken yours as well.

His hate towards you after reading it, had somehow fallen numb and he couldn't help but feel frustrated at himself for it. Why did he had to feel bad for seeing you suffer as he did some moments ago, that he was standing near the bushes, out of your window? Why after so many years, he was being hesitant, of bringing justice to himself?

You deserved it all and your friends too. You deserved to grow mad and scared so much that you would end taking your own lives. You deserved to reach the point you took him. 

He never understood why of all people it had to be him who had to go through all that. He had never done anything to deserve anything as cruel as that yet he was faced with it. His own parents started feeling ashamed of him after the rumors of him having tried to harass you, spread out. They hadn't believed him, since they knew that he constantly complained at home about those kids. They thought he had snapped and he had tried to take revenge in a way, yet that was something he would never do because he just wasn't that kind of person. No matter what he said, no matter what he tried, he couldn't avoid the punishment of his parents and the change of attitude that changed towards him after that.

He will never forget the day he was returned back from school and overheard his mom talking with a neighbor near the supermarket and how she coldly stated that he wasn't her son. She would have never raised such a son. She would have never given birth to such a disgrace. Truthfully he was hurt but he also understood well, because he felt like a disgrace too.

Nothing hurt him more than his own thoughts about himself. Not the hate he would get everywhere he was to step at, nor the physical and verbal abuse he endured from so many every day. Nor his heart that broke and his hopes that crushed regarding the girl he silently used to crash on, till she and her friends started bullying him. He knew well he was too little for you but as time passed by and he realized that you weren't the nice girl he had thought of you to be at the beginning, he had stopped liking you.

What was there to like? About a filthy soul like yours? Someone who took pleasure out of making someone's emotions a mess. Someone who took joy out of the misery of others. Your real self was just too ugly to be liked by him. You just didn't deserve it. And after what you had done, with your accusation, he had turned mad at his own self, forever caring and liking you. 

He was a fool. A kind-hearted weakling who wasn't able to stand up for himself. He was a fool, that blamed himself for it and started believing that he might deserve all the things that were happening to him. Maybe he had done something wrong and he just doesn't remember. Maybe it was because he didn't help his parents enough while at home, or maybe this was some divine punishment because he wasn't studying enough. Maybe it was because he had felt lazy and hadn't helped a passerby with her bags, maybe,maybe. His head was filled with options, in search of gathering as many as possible to make this punishment he was taking, justifiable. But..it was never enough. Nothing could make the hell he was living through, fair towards him.

He remembers clearly, the feeling of despair. There was no reason for him to live. No one wanted him alive. They screamed at him to go die every single day. There was no future that looked bright, there was no day that he would look forward to coming. There was no hope of a change for the better. Everything had vanished along with his feelings inside that made him feel as if he was already dead. 

There were no beats inside him, yet the humiliation that he endured that specific day after school, was the last punch on his already shattering soul. He will always remember how he was dragged like an animal till the back yeard from your friends and tied up in a pole. He remembered how they used his body as a boxing bag while someone was filming it all and they were laughing. The feelings of his ribs breaking felt still so real that it gave goosebumps all over his skin.

He also remembers well the disgusting taste of the dirty water they made him drink from the small puddle of water -that was created from the rain that had poured down some hours ago-and in which they urinated at before they shoved his face in it.

All they did was laugh. All they did was enjoy his suffering while they started telling him how well you had lied, how well you had pretended to be scared of him. How well you played the victim while saying that he tried to harass you. They started bragging of their achievement. They took the destruction of his life as a trophy that they should be proud of.

His mind was hazy as he walked home after that, his soul was in pain and frustration had taken over him, finding no way of proving the truth. He silently walked till an abandoned building at the opposite direction of his house where he would usually go and hide at, alone with his thoughts and once he stepped there, he just approached at the cans of fuel that were there and opened them, soon drenching himself with the flaming liquid. 

Once he was done, he didn't hesitate to take from his pocket the small lighter that he carried around from the moment he had seen those cans with fuel. He had thought many times of ending it all and he was finally doing it. He was dead inside anyway. His body was what was chaining him back to this hell. He just wanted to get free. He wanted to escape. He wanted to be saved.

But he now knows..he chose the wrong way.

If he was to have died in between the burning flames that afternoon, he would have regretted it and he now knows that, because he had yet to bring justice to himself.

It was God that saved him. It was Luck. Maybe a crazy coincidence, fate, a miracle, or whatever anyone would prefer to call it. He just happened to be at the right moment at the right time as he wasn't the only one being set aflame on that building at that certain moment. 

As soon as he heard the explosion, the fire spread fast, covering his body while he had yet to light up his lighter. In a panic he had shoved himself on the dirty sand and started rolling around as screams of pain left his mouth, his flesh burning from the flames that had taken over him.  He succeeded at turning off the flames on his body yet it didn't take long to lose consciousness. All he remembers from that was an image of black smoke all around him till he woke up at a hospital bed, in an unknown to him place, with unknow to him people over his head. Taking care of him.

It took him quite some time to recover and be able to speak, ending up finding sympathy and support from the people that society would least expect to show kindness and remorse. They took him in as one of them, they paid for everything. They gave him a new life, a new name, a new face, and a new chance to achieve whatever his heart may desire. He would be forever thankful to them and the fact that he survived.

He grew to learn from everything he had felt, he grew stronger than he could ever imagine however he always had this thorn in his chest that brought him here to this place, seeking a way to give an end to his past and bring closure to the feelings of anger and hate he still carried.

Yet here he was, at this specific moment that he was doubting himself if the closure he had planned and thought of was really the one that would bring him, the peace inside him that he was seeking for.

---To be continued.....