Star Wars: Fall of an Empire - Part II

VII - Ben

Ben felt his mother's spirit leave her body. A wave of emotion flooded him and he was left weak. Weak to move, to act or know what to do.

She had reached out to him a moment ago. He felt her voice, her warmth, the beating of her heart. Her love had made him feel complete. It had given him hope.

And now it was all gone.

If only he came a bit earlier he would be able to see her one last time. If only he had taken that step sooner he would have saved her. All these years he wasted by not seeing her, only because he wasn't brave enough to face her.

As he brought the Millennium Falcon to a halt, he tried to focus his mind on Ahch-To and the scene that had unfolded. He saw the shape of the island and the sea surrounding it. He felt the energy of the Jedi Temple and the presence of Rey who was there with her red lightsaber in her hand. She was the one that had done the deed.

There was darkness gathering around him. He was filled with hate for her. The anger he was trying to suppress for far too long flooded him.

"Let go of hatred Ben," Luke's voice was in his ears.

"I will never forgive her for what she've done."

"Resisting these feelings is the bravest thing you can do," Luke said as he appeared next to him. "It's easy to let yourself be controlled by these dark emotions."

Ben looked at him. "It is impossible for me to turn back now. The only hope was if I found my mother, but I didn't."

"This isn't a tragedy yet," Luke said. "I know why you were going to your mother, but you can still repent."

"Would you ever forgive yourself in my place?"

Luke looked at him and then down unable to meet his gaze. "Your parents did."

"How have I failed them so badly?" Ben asked "It's me alone that destroyed them."

"It is time to grow up Ben. Stop feeling pity for yourself," Luke said with an unbending tone.

"That is not what I wanted to happen," Ben said with a lump in his throat.

"Your parents will always give you strength. They'll always be by your side to guide you to the light, if you only open yourself to them."

"What do I have to do Master?"

"Your heart is heavy Ben. Your mother forgave you. It's time you do the same."

Ben knew that to be true. His father forgave him as well. Even in his last moments after he had committed the greatest evil, he saw the good in him and tried to bring him back.

"I grew up without my father. I thought he was dead and all my life I tried to fill the emptiness he left. I know Han was never there. He left your mother. And then you probably felt she simply tossed you away to your uncle," Luke said and looked down. "Who in turn to train you to be strong, treated you bad and pushed you too far."

"And tried to kill me," Ben said angered. He looked at Luke and then sighed, focusing his mind on the light and on forgiveness. "But I don't blame you for what I've become."

"But it isn't your fault alone either. We share the blame," Luke said softening his harsh tone from before. "What is your responsibility is what you'll do now."

"I have no one left to love. They're all gone."

"No one's ever really gone. Don't you feel your father, Ben?"

"I do," Ben said with tears starting to well up in his eyes. "I can't tell if it's really him or some version of him that I made up inside my head."

"It doesn't matter. By remembering the people we lost and what they stood for is how we honour them and keep their spirit alive."

Ben nodded crying as Luke reached out his hand and placed it on his shoulders. It was easy to break down once he felt his uncle's touch.

"He'd be proud of who you've become and for having the strength to let go of the darkness."

"I'd never forgive myself," Ben said wiping the tears from his eyes. "Or Rey."

His anger took hold of him once more as if his hatred for Rey couldn't get extinguished.

Luke's voice wasn't there anymore and the silence in the room was greater than before. His presence wasn't there either. Ben felt alone. He left the cockpit and walked down the corridor towards the hyperdrive of the Falcon. He had to prepare the ship for a jump to the other part of the galaxy. It would be useless going to Ahch-To now.

One of the hardest things he ever done was come back to his mother. He knew that by facing her, he'd be facing his evil deed. But there was no atonement for him now. Or for Rey. She was going to pay for what she've done. He was going to deliver the judgment himself.

Losing his mother had made his heart grow heavier. But letting go of Rey and of any hope of making amends with her made things that much clearer. There was nothing holding him anymore to the light, no attachment. There was no one to love anymore in this world.