Words [l.h.]

Part 1 - Chapter 7

Dear Luke,

I remember sweaty bodies pressed tightly together, jumping up and down to the beat of the music. Lights were dancing on the stage in front of us. I felt your hand pressing on my lower back, trying to keep me away from all the elbows that were pointing in our direction. You screamed something in my ear, but the music was too loud to hear your voice clearly, or maybe I was just too concentrated on the band playing in front of me to pay attention. 

You had stood in front of me with the hugest grin only just hours earlier, two tickets clutched tightly in your hand. Surprise. It was just the smallest whisper, but it was the best whisper I had ever heard. You were taking me to see Mayday Parade live. Mayday Parade, my favorite band ever. You have no idea how happy that made me, and it still does everyday. I do not remember what I did after you gave me the tickets, I probably almost choked you to death hugging you. Anyway, you did not even expect me to take you to the concert, you had just bought me two tickets. You just wanted to give me the opportunity to see them live. That is probably what I found most wonderful of the whole day. You wanted me to have a good time, whether it was with you or not. 

The whole day was a blurr. I do not remember what I did that day, or if I even asked you to come with me. It just happened. It felt like two minutes after you offered me the tickets, we were there, standing in the middle of a big crowd, waiting for the band to come on stage. We screamed every single word of the song lyrics, having the time of our lives. I had such an amazing time, it was wonderful and awesome and magnificent and overwhelming. If I close my eyes, I can almost hear the screams and shouts and cheers of the crowd. 

Because these words were never easier for me to say...

I felt your strong arms wrap around my shoulders and I felt so safe and secure and nice and I never ever wanted to leave that particular moment.

Or her to second guess...

Your lips pressed softly to my jaw, my neck, my shoulder, back to my neck my jaw and I felt you in every inch of my entire body.

But I guess...

Every single small cell in my body filled with your warmth and energy and felt so close to you.

That I can live without you but...

Your breathy voice in my neck, your fingers drawing figures on my waist, you muscular chest to my back, your lips on the corner of mine.

Without you I'll be miserable at best...

You quietly sang the last part in my ear, and this time I did hear you. Because, Luke, since that moment you were the only thing that I could ever concentrate on, and you were the only one I ever wanted to lay my eyes on ever again. 

I miss you, Luke. I miss you so much that everytime I go to bed I wait for you to turn the lights off, because you always did that. And now I have to get out of bed, tears threatening to fall, and turn the lights off myself. I miss you so fucking much and it hurts so fucking much and I do not think I can go much longer, stuck in this insecurity. I want you back. Luke, I need you. 

Every single time I think of you (which incidentally is every single second) I do not feel that familiar warmth spreading in my stomach anymore. No, that warmth has turned into a cold shiver running down my spine, resulting into tears. 

I want to be able to have those middle-of-the-night conversations with you again, I want to be able to wake up and look at your beautiful sleepy face next to me and not worry about anything other than what I want to have for breakfast, I want to feel your fingers tracing the lines of my body when you think I am asleep, I want to feel pride slip onto my face when I watch one of your performances and I see your eyes light up when you look at the crowd and I see you think I made it, I want your strong arms to wrap around me when I cry about stupid things that will not make a difference in the future whatsoever but you still hold me tight, I want to hear your soft singing voice when I come home from shopping instead of this empty feeling because this house is way too big for me alone, I want I want I want...

There are so many words inside of my head and I need to get them out and I am just writing and writing and writing and writing and I do not know what to do anymore without you and I know it might sound pathetic and sad, but I need you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me, because you were not only my lover, you were my best friend, my soulmate, my shoulder to cry on. That has all been ripped away from me and I do not know how to get it back. I do not know what to do, I am so lost and I need you to read the map for me, like you did every time we went on another meaningless roadtrip. 

I want you back and I am crying and I feel like screaming, but everytime I try to speak my voice gets lost and I am afraid my voice will never come back if I try to use it for even the smallest shout. Because the truth is, Luke, that I am not okay. Not at all, not even close.

Yours truly,

Scarlett