The Way She Sliced Her Pear

Reese

Reese

I was sitting on the couch starring outside. Admiring the chirping birds that was always the first sign of spring in Nebraska.

"Reese!"

"Reese!"

Monroe came out from my bedroom with Ellie in her hands.

"shhhh its okay Ellie." Monroe said

"Reese, did you hear Ellie crying? She can barely catch her breath she's so worked up?" "How long has she been screaming like this?" Monroe started to raise her voice

"Oh ya, sorry I must not have heard her." I said with a calm tone.

I must not have even heard Monroe come in the house. A feeling of emptiness filled my body.

"Reese, are you okay?" Monroe asked trying to talk over Ellie's cries "If you need more help you should consider hiring a nanny."

I was struggling with post-partum shortly after Ellie arrived two months ago. The doctors figured my due date was a little off because she came out around seven pounds and healthy. I never had post-partum with Sean and if I did I don't remember it being this bad.

"This isn't good for the either of you." "What if I wasn't coming over for a visit today?" "I'm just a little concerned with your mental health Reese." "I'll google someone that's close in your area." "You also might want to consider some therapy." Monroe said while erratically going through her phone in search of what I'm a guessing a nanny.

"Ya it's just a funk I've been in." "I'll see my way out of it soon." I said starring back out the window.

Knowing myself well enough that it wasn't just something I could work through by myself.

I loved my daughter and I accepted that she wasn't the boy that I wanted. The post-partum was a combination of Kane demanding a paternity test shortly after she was born and him being emotionally unavailable. Kane was great with helping out with Ellie. I couldn't have asked him to be more supportive of the baby. In the first month during the worst sleepless nights I was attempting to breast feed I fell asleep and Kane would stay up on the couch making sure I didn't drop her and even holding Ellie at my breast when I was too tired to. As soon as the paternity test came back proving it was his he was elated; however, he no longer put effort towards us. I felt completely alone and needed help.

I knew something was wrong with me and I needed to make it better. For the sake of me and the new baby.

As Monroe sat down with Ellie on the couch she was able to calm her.

"Are you still breast feeding or have you switched to formula?" Monroe asked

"I can make her a bottle if need be." Monroe said with the look of worry flashing over her face.

"I've really wanted to continue breast feeding it's just I don't feel like I'm producing and she constantly wanting to nurse." "I feel extremely guilty not being able to continue but it might be best." I said

I did feel guilty, I wanted to breast feed since I was at home with her. I felt like when I did breast feed her on the easier days it made my moods better.

"I'll support you either way Reese, but with your post-partum I suggest you continue to try and breast feed." Monroe said "If you want I can start expressing a little for Ellie so you don't have to give her formula." "Or if it's not too odd for you I can feed her myself." "I can be your wet nurse." Monroe said

"Oh no, that's extremely kind of you Monroe but that's too much trouble for you." I said pulling my knees up to my chest.

I then thought of my mother, who breast fed all of us kids until about three years of age. She was such a naturalist and always said how breast milk was liquid gold that should always be given first. She was a mid-wife that was also a wet nurse for some of her patients she would oversee that had difficulties breast feeding after delivery. Monroe reminded me of my mother, her constant need to nurture others. Her ability to make things better in the worst of times.