Sam and Colby: The Asylum

76

I could barely hear their voices from around the corner, but managed to make out their sentences.

"It just fucking sucks, man," Colby said.

"Yeah, but imagine what could have happened," Sam responded. He probably meant what could have happened if I wasn't there. I heard Colby sigh.

"Imagine what would have happened," Colby said. That Sam might have just been trapped in there for a while until they could figure out how to get the door open that was just mysteriously stuck shut.

"But you don't want that. You know you don't. I don't want that, and Jake and Corey definitely won't either," said Sam. Want what?

"You guys do it, though," said Colby.

"That's different. You know how they feel about this stuff," said Sam.

"It's not different, though," said Colby.

"Yes, it is. She probably feels the same way about you doing it. Ours do, but she's the only one who understands the full experience of it," said Sam. "She wants to do this. The rest of them don't." Colby sighed again.

"You can come out now, Nessa," Colby said. Shit.

I slowly walked around the corner and saw Sam and Colby sitting on opposite sides of the hallway, facing each other with their backs leaned against the wall.

"What? How long was she there?" Sam asked.

"Not very," Colby said. "Come here." He patted the floor next to himself. I slowly walked over and sat down about a foot away from him.

"Did you hear what we were talking about?" asked Sam.

"I heard it but don't know what you mean," I said. "There were a lot of vague pronouns being used."

"Oh. Yeah," Sam said. "Should I go?" he asked. Colby shrugged.

"If you want to," Colby said.

"I will. Are Jake and Corey outside?" asked Sam.

"Yeah. On the steps," I said. Sam nodded in response, then got up and walked away. Colby and I sat in still silence until we couldn't hear him anymore.

"I'm sorry," Colby said.

"Why did you get so mad at me?" I asked.

"I wasn't mad, princess. I was scared," said Colby. I felt a lot better when he called me that.

"Of me?" I asked.

"Oh, god no. I was scared because I realized there might be a time that you're not here and I won't be able to do anything if something happens to one of the guys. Or if something happens to you and you're not able to get yourself out of it. I've accepted that idea with the guys, that we understand the risks involved. But I just randomly pulled you into this without you fully understanding how things might go. And when you opened that door, I realized I was so incredibly thankful to have you," Colby said.

"Okay...but I don't get how your thankfulness was relayed through anger," I said.

"Because I felt like I was dependent on you," he said. I waited for an explanation that didn't come.

"Are you not dependent on Sam?" I asked.

"I mean, sort of. But I know his limits and what he can handle. We've been best friends for years. I'm not dependent on him like I feel I am with you. I don't know how far you can be pushed before it's too much and it was immature and stupid of me to invite you," Colby said.

"Oh," I said. He thought it was stupid to bring me? Like he regretted it?

"I'm not saying that it's stupid you're here. I love having you here. Genuinely. But I'm not used to... relying on people, I guess. Especially not new people. Not really used to this whole commitment thing. Not that I can't do it or that I don't want to, it's just sort of scary to me. I know that probably sounds dumb. But this stuff that we do is legitimately dangerous sometimes. It can have some serious consequences. And I don't want both of the people I'm dependent on to be exposed to that danger at the same time in case something happens. I don't want to lose either of you, but I can't lose both of you," Colby said, staring at the ground. I was quiet for a second when I pieced together what they'd been talking about earlier.

"So, you don't want me to come with you guys again," I said. Colby didn't answer. "Because the other guys don't bring their girlfriends and you don't want to either, because you want me to be safe."

He still didn't answer or even look up.

"Sam is 100% correct in saying that I feel the same way about you. If you're going out and doing dangerous shit, then I'm going to want to be right by your side for every second of it," I continued. "And like he said, the other guys trust me to be here and you know they wouldn't ask me to be a part of this if they thought I couldn't handle it or that I was at any more risk of danger than they are. This is your life and it's obviously your decision, not mine. But I'm fully aware of the risks now. I've seen what will happen and I know what can happen. And I still very much want to be a part of it. If that's not something you're comfortable with, then I will stay out of whatever you do for YouTube and we can maintain our relationship with no questions asked and no issues raised. I have no problem with that. You know I want to do this with you guys, though. I understand what this entails, but also understand why you might be apprehensive or against me joining you guys. It's all up to you, baby. I'm okay either way," I said.

He still hadn't looked up, hadn't moved. I gave him a small smile that he couldn't see before getting up and walking downstairs. I had expected him to get up and follow me, soon if not immediately, but he stayed put. That was his decision. He would talk when he was ready.

I walked outside to see the guys playing catch with Shrek, flashlights in their mouths. I leaned against the stair railing and smiled, watching them. This group was a family, and I understood why they might not want anyone else to join it. They had a unique bond from doing all of this stuff together for so long. And even though I'd only experienced what they do for a short while, I was able to appreciate just how close and trusting these guys had to be with each other. Letting someone else join in would feel weird.

Jake hopped up onto the hood of the car and held his arms out in a circle.

"Basketball, let's go!" Jake yelled. Sam threw Shrek at Jake, but Corey grabbed it before it reached Jake.

"Interception!" yelled Jake.

"Amateur. That's a golf term," Corey said, causing them all to break into loud laughter while resuming their game. It was impossible to watch them without smiling. They all just connected so well and appreciated each other. I was going to miss this, but I'd still be able to experience it back in LA. But I knew it wouldn't be quite the same.

I felt Colby's arms wrap around my waist from behind. I didn't flinch or jump when he did that anymore. I could recognize that it was him, now. I knew his touch.