delicate. / timothée chalamet au

eleven.

i haven't been able to sleep for the past three days. as a result, i'm in attendance for every morning and sometimes afternoon meetings. i even, for the first time, went to a midnight meeting last night. i just can't stop thinking. i  can't stop thinking about the past, something i usually can get my grip on, and i'm frustrated. and then there's tim. what the fuck am i supposed to do with these feelings i'm slowly learning i can not get a grasp on? i can't stop thinking of the way he makes me feel. i keep trying to conjure up a funny and simple text to ask him to hang out, but the way we left things off at the beginning of the week stops me every time. i thought maybe i'd see him at a meeting, but i haven't seen him since that day we went to the mall. even though the thought of him feeling the same way i do sets my heart on fire, it's difficult for me to see how we could work. we're both so emotionally and even physically damaged. sure we're both trying to better ourselves now, but how can you be in a healthy relationship with another person when you aren't even in a healthy relationship with yourself?

this morning when i went to the meeting and i didn't see tim i decided to finally text him when i got home. i had to come to terms that he's one of the only people that i have in my life whos company i can actually withstand for long periods of time, and i'm not going to let this be ruined because i have feelings for him and he maybe doesn't. 

unfortunately, when i got home and tried to text him i realized after searching through every pocket of my clothing and rummaging through my purse, which only held gum wrappers and spare change, i left my phone in the meeting. so here i am walking from my apartment to get it so then i can walk all the way back to my apartment. 

i push the door open and am greeted by pams ugly grin. ugh, i've had to see pam twice today. that's two too many. i go up to her with the best fake smile i can muster, "i left my phone in the morning meeting and i need to go look for it."

she looks up to me, her hazel eyes sparkling. see, pam is honestly really pretty and i'm sure if for some reason i didn't find her absolutely fucking infuriating, we'd probably be friends. we're around the same age and i see her almost everyday.

"um-- they're doing bingo, i think, in there currently so... let me go and check if maybe i can find it." i nod and watch her open the door to the meeting room. i realize this is the first time i'm ever seeing her full body. she's wearing a tank top and jean shorts and somehow manages to look super put together and cute at the same time. hmm-- not going to lie i'd die for her waist. i absentmindedly look around her desk and see she's eating a salad and drinking a diet snapple. "of course," i'm mutter under my breath. 

my eyes gaze to look over the log sheet and my eyes widen and stomach drops when i see tims name signed in for 10:15am. i look over to the clock behind pams desk and see the time is 10:35am. he must be in damien's office. i look over to my right to where damien's office is and see the door shut, which usually means he is with somebody because he normally keeps his door almost perfectly half open just in case i or anybody else needs to find him at anytime of day. i slowly walk towards it, and check over to my left to make sure pam isn't on her way back yet. when i get within an inch of the door, i lean in, placing my ear to where it's almost touching the door trying to hear. the second i faintly hear tims voice my heart begins to race. i can't exactly make out what he says because he must be talking really softly. i can hear damien's naturally loud voice and it sounds concerned. there's a few moments of silence until i can hear exactly what tim is saying because he starts to scream, "no! because that's just it damien-- i don't have anyone that'd care! my parents and i don't even talk, they just send me money and think that's them doing their part in helping with my recovery. the only-- the only person i had was-- and now she's gone. and now-- i'm alone, now i can't rely on her to fix me when i'm down. the only person who truly was there-- who always had my back-- and i can't get past it. i've tried for months and it hasn't gotten better." i hear his voice begin to shake. 

who is this girl? his ex? i don't like the feeling of jealousy that possesses my curiosity.

"damien there is no one out there that'd care." my heart shatters. i knew i was right to be concerned over what he said over the phone when i was on that date with roger. i jump slightly as i see pam walking towards the door and quickly walk over back to the desk. just then, damien's office door abruptly opens and i can hear damien calmly saying, "tim, just come back when you're ready to sort out through everything willingly with me." i hide my face behind my hair and scoot over to the far left of the desk. tim starts heading out the door before pam calls for him to sign out. i see the sign out sheet right in front of me and freeze. i quickly slide the sheet away from me and towards him. he mutters a soft "thanks" without actually looking in my direction. i can hear him breathing loud and fast, and i can basically feel the rage radiating off of him. 

"here's your phone, rose." pam speaks up to me holding out my phone. i take it and mentally curse at her for mentioning my name, and so unnecessarily loud. tim noticeably goes stiff beside me.

this is why i fucking hate pam.

i tuck my hair behind my hair, exposing my face. i turned my head slowly to the side and see tim frozen with the pen still in his hand and seeing he's not even done writing out his name yet. 

"fuck!" pam screams suddenly followed by a glass shattering on the floor. my eyes shift off of tim and i see pam with spilt diet snapple all over her shorts.

"karma," i think to myself

she gets up with a huff and goes into the restroom leaving tim and i alone. he glances over to me and i see we're both smirking at what we just witnessed. "karma," tim says to me shrugging his shoulders. i laugh, "yeah, that's what i was just thinking." because it was. and that is weird, stop saying what i'm thinking tim.

he finishes filling out the sheet and reluctantly places the pen down and slowly slides it back to me. before his hand leaves the top of the desk, i place mine over his. i don't know why, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

his breath hitches at the contact while he looks down at our hands. i inch closer to him and get a good look at him. he looks tired, his hair is messy, and his eyes look swollen. i inch closer, my hand never leaving his, and notice his breathing has slowed down. his eyes are still trained on our hands and mine are trained on his profile.

"i'd care," i say softly.

his head turns instantly to look at me. he has strands of hair all over his face so i softly push them behind his ear. but before i take my hand away i let them linger for a few moments longer. i look into tims eyes. his green, melancholic eyes. they look glassy almost like he's holding back tears. he places his hand over mine, he sighs and closes his eyes.

just then the door opens with a huffing pam and a roll of paper towels following her from the bathroom. we flinch away from each other. tims eyes darting everywhere but me. he clears his throat and glances towards me, nodding a goodbye and then dashes out of the building. i look over to pam, who was watching tim going down the stairs, "he's cute, isn't he?" she says this to me as if she considers me one of her girlfriends. i scoff at that and grab my phone and walk out without a word. "bitch," i mutter under my breath while opening the door. i look to my left at the spot tim and i usually smoke at, but he's nowhere to be seen. "fuck," i sigh as i reluctantly start heading in the opposite direction towards my apartment with my heart still racing from that small interaction tim and i just had.