The Pretender: a Sara Lance / Batwoman fanfiction

Pt. 15 / Nyx / Your own worst enemy

Have you ever ran so fast that you could circle the Earth three times in one hour and then suddenly hit the wall? I don't think so. I only wanted to describe my pain and hurting to you.

I love Johnny Cash, seriously. Every time I hear him sing Hurt, something in me flinches. To be honest I had not understood the song at first. Like, how can you hurt yourself intentionaly to see if you feel? What point do you want to prove by that?

Now I understand completely. Every fucking word. 

Hard to decide what hurts the most. Could be Kate's reaction, could be Sara sleeping with Kate, could be the disappointment in myself, could be the sole fact that I, the Nephilim, falling again, but this time into love. Which is, by the way, even worse fall (FAIL) than from Heaven.

Physical pain was the strongest when Kate pulled from our kiss. Because she pulled a part of me with her. I needed to forget her, to erase her from my mind. That is the only logical way out. And only way to keep her safe. From myself and from everyone and everything else.

I was back home now, in Hell, my comfort place, my shelter, my sanctuary. Which felt different. It was still the same home, but it wasn't home for me anymore. Does it even make sense? Humans use therapists in such cases, right?

Shit!

Where the fuck are all the therapists? Which circle of Hell? This could be my solution!

Well... it wasn't. Spoiler alert: I spent... a week? Sorry I'm not good with human time measurements... talking to therapists and asking for advice, asking for cure. Nothing. I only became more mad and restless.

I was fighting with myself the way I'd fight my own worst enemy. I didn't eat, didn't go out, didn't talk to anyone, only stayed locked inside my house. Notice I haven't called it HOME.

I fought the walls, foughts floors, ceilings, with intention to hurt myself to see if I still feel. How to put this... I feel. Sadness. Emptiness. Desperation. 

Where do I go when I need to think and chill my head? North Pole. Greenland. I laid down on the snow and closed my eyes. This time, not to think, but to completely clear my mind at least for a little while.

The funny thing. There was also Sara sneaking into my mind. She seemed like a rational thinking person, not complicating things... How come she wasn't afraid of me and she didn't consider me for evil? Ha. I'd have a beer with her. Not that anything could ever excuse how I wanted to take her soul, but still. It's probably a nice thing to do. Don't ask me about me suddenly doing NICE THINGS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT CAME FROM. Probably LOVE. Fuck.

 "Nyxie, are you aware the icebergs are melting at incredible pace?"
- "I don't give a fuck, Jetrel."
"Lucifer is worried about you."
- "Again, I don't give a fuck."

My friend sighed: "What can I do for you?"
- "Kill me."
"Ok, now hit me with some option that is at least possible."
- "No idea."
"Well, I maybe have one."
- "Do I care?"

He ignored my remark and spoke: "You can either continue being miserable for the rest of the Age until the Universe and Worlds colapse or..."
- "No thanks..."
"OR! You will try to earn her trust and feelings eventually."
- "No."
"Why not?"
- "Fuck you."

"You're so charming, Nyx."
- "I know."
"Well... one more option. Just wait until she dies and if she dies a hero, she'll go to Heaven and voila."
- "Wait!"

I sat up abruptly, causing a twenty feet iceberg broke from the rest, into the freezing water.
"What? Nyx, you're scaring me."
- "I have to go. Bye."

The thought of letting Kate Kane die was unbearable. Yeah, she might have 60 good years but... for me that's a blin of an eye. Am I selfish? Do I like this misery? Jetrel was right, that COULD and WOULD be a solution, just let eveything flow naturaly and wait until the problem solves itself, but. But. Too many buts.