Tainted

Chapter Thirty-Six

"Rogue," I say, still holding onto his shoulder. "I am so, so sorry. I know this is no consolation, but she was kind, up until the very end. She tried so hard to keep us all in good spirits. She shared stories. She even talked about you, once, I think." I'm not sure on the last, but I think Ezzi once shared a story about her brother, but maybe I'm confusing that with Binks.

Rogue covers his face with his hands. "It's my fault," he mumbles into his palms. "It should've been me."

I squeeze his shoulder. "None of this is your fault. The king's a ruthless tyrant. You're doing all you can to protect people from him. You're more noble than any of us."

"It still should've been me," he says, his voice muffled. "Esmeralda knew how to do all this stuff, like building a community. I don't know the first thing about it. All of this was her idea. She should be here, not me."

I'm at a loss for words. Everything Rogue's feeling is the way I felt after my mother's death. I couldn't take her pain away either, and now she's gone, while I'm still here.

We hear footsteps outside, and Rogue hurriedly wipes his eyes.

Sailor pokes his head inside the tent, James's silhouette standing sentinel outside.

"Wha' are yae doin'?" he asks. He eyes the tent's paintings warily, as if he's afraid they'll come to life.

"I, uh, I knew Esmeralda," I say.

Sailor's eyes widen.

"In the prison," I add. "But I only knew her a little bit."

"And now our Thief is looking for a new place to live," Rogue says. His voice is clear. He sniffs and pulls at the hem of his tunic, straightening.

Sailor waits a beat. "Oh," he says. "Yae wan' tae move out?"

I look to Rogue.

"Yes," he says. "She does."

Sailor looks around the tent again. "An' yae wan' tae live here?" he asks. He twists the edge of the tent flap nervously in his hand.

I think I remember something about people from Traigh being afraid of ghosts. I wonder if Sailor lives up to that stereotype. I take a step closer to the door, just in case. If he is, then we don't need to be having this conversation inside Esmeralda's tent.

"It had just caught my eye," I say, evading the question. Yes, it would be wonderful to live in a place so beautifully cared for, but I can still feel the memory of Ezzi in this space, and I don't want to further hurt Rogue.

Rogue clears his throat. "We're still having a discussion about it. Thief, you should head to Tanymede's. I wouldn't want you to get behind on your training."

Rogue dismisses me without looking at me. I walk past Sailor on my way out. He watches me, but he doesn't say anything either. It feels like we're both treading on eggshells, neither of us sure how to deal with Rogue's unpredictable emotions.

****

Training with Tanymede works the exact same as it has the past few days, but I feel like I make more mistakes today, and I know it's not because of my sore muscles. Between Rogue's kiss still fresh on my lips, and learning the truth about Ezzi, I'm distracted. My body is bruised and blotchy by the time Tanymede eventually calls stop, well before the time we're usually finished.

"What is going on in that head of yours?" Tanymede asks. She bends and slides the pole back in the basket. I slip the wooden practice knives from my knife belt and tuck them inside the basket as well.

"I just found out I knew Esmeralda," I say, grabbing the broom from its corner. "We were in prison together for a couple months before she died."

"Ah," Tanymede says. "And were you the one who..." She lets the question hang in the air.