BROKEN

Letting Bygones Be

Asanda's been sleeping like forever. Let me check on her. When I get to her room, she's sitting at the corner, curled up like a ball, sobs are the only sound in the room. I sit next to her.

"Asanda, you can talk to me, are you still sad and hurt about what that man did?" She shakes her head. "Then, what is it?" I'm starting to get even more worried about her. She says nothing but hugs me tight and cries even harder. My heart breaks for her. "Tell me what's bothering you."

"I've been a bad person Sis, I'm just like him." She weeps.

"No. You are nothing like him, there is no comparison between you and him." I assure her.

"But just like him I've broken so many hearts-----"

"What are you talking about?" I'm alarmed by this.

"I'm a homewrecker Sis." She blurts out. Honestly, I'm astounded, how did I miss this? Have I been so neglectful towards her? She's just eighteen, when did all this happen? Now I understand how fucked up my life has been, I couldn't even notice that my sister was sleeping with married men? 

"Why did you sleep married men? What attracted you to them?" I try as much as possible not to sound judgmental, the last thing I want to happen is for her to feel judged.

"It all started when I was in boarding school, I had this friend of mine who would brag about family trips, gifts from her father and all the happy family stuff. I felt jealous, envious of her because I had no father nor a happy family. Her bragging made me feel unwanted, I started to question God why he took my parents away when I still needed them. I couldn't find answers to any of my questions, I became a bitter person. I hated every happy family as if it was their fault my parents were dead. That's when I embarked on a mission to wipe the smiles off their faces starting with my friend. I broke her parents' marriage after that I told her father off and moved to another unsuspecting victim." She wipes her tears and looks at me waiting for me to say something. I'm dumbfounded, I never thought my sister had so much bitterness in her.

"Does your friend know that you were the reason behind everything?" This is some revelation!

"No." She says in between sobs.

"That woman who came here looking for you, did you also sleep with her husband?" 

"No. I only kissed him, she found me sitting on his lap and jumped to her own conclusions but I swear, I didn't sleep with him nor did I intend to." 

"Do you feel guilty about everything?" She nods. "It's okay, feeling guilty means you now acknowledge your mistakes. We all make mistakes Asanda, we learn from them. Now that you know what you did was wrong, what do you feel like doing?"

"Crying. I feel disgusted by my own self." She sniffles.

"I understand. You can cry all you want, it helps. The things you did doesn't mean you are a disgusting person, forgive yourself and when you finally have enough courage you can apologize to the people you hurt, that will set you and your conscience free of guilt." I smile at her. Grandma always told me that with only a smile, you can heal and brighten other people's lives without even noticing.

"Don't you hate me for what I did?"

"No. I will never hate you, you are my life Asanda. How can one hate her own life?"

"Thank you, Sis." She jumps to my lap like what she always did when she was young, I hug her tight.

ONE YEAR LATER....

Things have been going very well. Asanda agreed to see a psychologist and finally made peace with all the people she hurt in the past, she's happy. She passed her A level, now studying for a bachelor degree at the university. I never thought I would say this someday but yeah, Asanda proved me wrong, she's now responsible and more loving. My happiness lies in hers so we are both happy. I still have to work on my demons, they've been asleep for a long time and I hope it stays that way. Sizwe's been helping me with my nightmares and learning to trust people with my body. He says I'm afraid of people who have been long gone, I need to erase the fear in my mind. It hasn't been easy but I'm getting there.