The Difference

Chapter 30

The steps up to our apartment feel impossible. I'm freezing and sore in every aspect of my being. I climb the stairs one by one and Ava and Eric trail behind me. I crawl into bed with a full face of makeup and hair damp from the rain after slamming my bedroom door shut. 

Eric and Ava speak in hushed tones in the kitchen before Eric decides to come in. I'm turned over staring at the miscellaneous photos I have pinned on my wall, stopping on the newest one added to my collection of Troy and I on our Tennessee trip. It had replaced the one of Eric and I eating ice cream in the middle of the summer, that Polaroid photo being tucked in my desk drawer now. Eric sighs as he sits down on my bed, looking at me.

"Hey," he says, quietly. I look ahead, not wanting to be bothered in this moment. I know my friends hate it, but I've always been the one who would rather struggle alone than be caught crying to someone else about my issues. It has always made me feel like a burden, but Ava and Eric never seemed to care if I was taking up their time or not, they just cared about me.

"I know you don't want to talk about him, so we don't have to. I just want to tell you that I, for one, am thankful for him," he says.

"Why?" I ask confused and somewhat annoyed.

"Because after what he did to you, I look like a saint," Eric laughs at this before viewing my reaction. I let out a small smile, but tears fall out as well.

"Oh shit, I didn't mean to make you to cry. I'm sorry," he says. He puts an arm around me and it makes me feel slightly better. I rest an arm on his as if to say thank you. To my surprise, he lays down next to me, keeping a little bit of distance between us. 

"It's okay," I say.

"For everything," he speaks up. "Seriously. You never deserved any of it. I helped you get over guys who treated you bad and then I turned into one of them."

"Stop," I say, turning to face him. "It's honestly fine. I've forgiven you, and I'm obviously over the crush," I say. 

"I really admire your heart," Eric says. We lay here facing one another on my tear-stained sheets with my mascara running amuck, and yet somehow, I've never felt more accepted by someone. 

"Why?"

"You give everyone all you have, not afraid of how badly it's going to hurt you."

"That's where you're wrong. It terrifies me so much. This feeling? I never want to feel this way," I say, hugging a pillow to my chest. 

"But you held your own tonight. I've never seen you so tough," he smiles.

"Yeah, only to come here and cry in front of you," I say, laughing. 

"I wish I were more like you. I mess everything up because I'm too afraid of getting hurt. I step back before things get too serious so I always have the upper hand. How shitty is that?" He has the most serious look I'ver ever seen him with. 

"Maybe that's something you should be thankful for. Maybe there's a reason you don't let everyone in completely. Not only are you saving yourself from the pain, but it's going to be all that much easier when you do find the person you're meant to be with because you'll stop being so guarded."

"I still like your way better," he admits.

We both laugh and I bury my head in my pillow. I don't know when it happens, but I guess being with Eric is the most relaxed I've been all night and suddenly, I'm asleep. When I wake up, Eric is passed out next to me, still in his outfit from tonight which makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one who's a complete mess. Unlike me, he's not under the covers, and is facing the opposite side of the bed, curled up, clearly cold. I grab my favorite fuzzy blanket, a montage of all the Disney princes, and drape it over him carefully.  I get up quietly, heading toward the bathroom to take off my makeup, and snatch my phone to take with me. It's nearly dead, with 10 missed calls from Troy, 20 texts, and 5 calls from Brad, as well. I  take off all the makeup and can finally recognize myself again. It makes me feel better that every part of this day is erased physically, but I still feel uneasy. I decide a hot shower might make me feel a little better, so I start the water. When I get in, I hear the bathroom door open. It's Ava.