What It Seems | Wattys 2023

Chapter 51

BAYLOR

I slammed my fist into the drywall as I let anger consume me. I was so pissed at myself for doing that to a girl who doesn't deserve an asshole in her life.

I didn't mind the blood spilling out of my busted knuckles. When I get drunk I tend to commit careless, reckless actions. I get mad and furious at the world when it ruined me. I get consumed under my thoughts from a while back. They creep from the back of my mind here and there, but when she was here, they disappeared.

They're back again.

Mistake. That's what I am. A mistake. I deserve nothing and no one amazing like her. I was too pitiful and poor for her.

Bloody knuckles still didn't take my mind off of the decisions I made in that school parking lot this afternoon. I shouldn't have left her. I should've grabbed her and took her into my embrace and squeeze the life out of her.

"Do you even care?" she weakly asked.

My stupidity got ahold of me. I was too consumed of my thoughts then, and when she asked, I shook my head no. Stupid, pathetic idiot. And when I inched out of the parking lot, she dropped to the ground, busting into tears.

I broke her heart to let her think that I didn't love her or care about her or care about our relationship. But I do: I love her more than I love anything else in this world. I'd jump in front of a bullet to save her. I want us to last until we're in the ground, six feet under, lying right beside each other in peace.

She made me so freaking happy. She made life mean so much more to me. She made my day just when she woke up with a smile on her face. I want her hands on my skin again, touching me. I wanted to touch her smooth skin and kiss her lips. I wanted to hold her.

And how stupid was I to tell her to never talk to me again? What the hell was I thinking? I was angry at her, so angry at her. And then I told her that she had slept with Derek out of my pure stupidity. I'm very stupid when it comes to my anger. I should've let her explain that night I had walked out on her.

I can't believe I broke her heart. I promised myself I would never do that. I promised her and Aiden that I wouldn't break her heart, but I did.

I slammed the fridge door closed. I popped the cap off the beer bottle and chugged it in less than a minute. Another one. And then two more turned into four, and four turned into six.

I sat down on my couch and placed my head in my hands. I rubbed my eyes. I haven't slept since that night that I had broken up with her. I rubbed my temples in circles. Insomnia had soaked into me heavily because of all the frustration had kept me awake at night.

I'm supposed to be graduating in June and my main priority was to spend as much time with Adalynne as I could because I wouldn't be seeing her as much.

I miss her like crazy.

I wanted the pain to go away. This hole in my chest - I wanted it gone. I stumbled up my stairs, hiccuping and such. I haven't been drunk since I moved back to Shady Grove.

I'm drunk and I still hear her laugh creeping from the back of my mind. I made my way into my bathroom. I opened it and turned on the light.

There she was, sitting on my sink. Her legs were wrapped around me. I had been too lazy to shave so she took it upon herself to shave my face for me.

"Be still!" she'd holler as I made weird faces just to hear her laugh.

I lost my might to stand and fell on the floor. I busted into tears, real sobs escaping my mouth. I squeezed my head and ran my fingers through my hair. Every place that I looked at was drunk on her. Rather it be my bedroom, bathroom, living room, den, kitchen, balcony . . . I couldn't face those places. So the only place I'd rest at was in the corner, my back against the wall as I cradled myself in thoughts. I'd lull my head back and stare with my eyes looking up at the ceiling.

I can't take this anymore.

I took a blade from my drawer and scoped over it. There was dry blood here and there. It wouldn't make a difference if the blade got moistened again.

I took the blade shakily and slid it across my skin. I watched the blood ooze out of my skin and drip onto the floor. Another slit.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Baylor?"

"Baylor, hand me that blade!"

"You mean so much to me."

"Please don't cut your beautiful skin again."

"I love you, Baylor."

I hissed as I hit a vein that shouldn't have been sliced open. The scar I reopened was the cut that almost killed me. I placed my hand over the open wound. The scar I had cut open wasn't the scar I should've messed with. This is the opening that I cut three inches deep.

I stared at the puddle on the floor between my legs.

I felt dizzy and nauseous all of a sudden. I began gagging. I tried sliding my weak body across the tiled floor and tried to open the toilet lid. I couldn't. I was too weak.

"Baylor!"

I fell over, hitting my head on the tub in the process. Blackness.