And then, and then... I cried a little.
I was once said by a teacher at junior high school. "You shouldn't cry when people look at you." I maybe misunderstood this words. I thought "I won't cry anymore." The teacher maybe wanted to say "Don't show your tears in public." If this is correct, I can cry privately. But I thought as "Don't cry." So I tried not to cry. I tried to kill my emotion. I grew up and was suffered by depression and pressure.
Go back to the chat. I cried a little. I was in "locker room" at the office. I thought that "this is the feeling I was looking for." I went here and there looking for something good in my mind. I tried to read books, listen to the music and watch movies. But I couldn't find anything wonderful. The things that is so wonderful and change my life. The things blow my mind and let myself forget painful experience or feeling...
But when I cried I found that the power which changes my life did not exist outside from myself. Yes there are many important and funny things outside from myself. But...only my inner child can find them and say to me "WOW! What a wonderful!". In short, the powerful things which change my life and blow my soul are INSIDE me.
I don't have the correct answer. I can't tell what I should do. But my feeling/emotion says to me "Write!" Like Paul Auster did by "The invention of solitude", I have to write and release my bad memory/trauma. Then I can kill the monster inside me. I am not a specialist about mental sickness. But writing something is comfortable experience. And I can believe my life is meaningful when I write something. But it can be long story so tell you at another chapter.
