I have many problems and one of them is this. I can't smile. I can't control my face. I feel that I'm wearing the mask in my real life. I can understand jokes, tragedy and the cuteness of pets. But I can't smile or cry. I can do nothing but faceless reaction.
When I was bullied I learned that "careless smile can do harm". When I make smile, the people say "hey, why are you smiling? You shouldn't be happy like this!" "I hate you. Your smile is creepy!" etc. But if I cry, they say "You are a man. A man doesn't show the tears in public!" (even the teachers say like this). So I can do nothing.
Faceless...people hates you because just you are there. So why can you do except that? You have to kill yourself. But suicide is painful (you know?). Then, you have to be like the air. No reaction and no smell. You have to be invisible, harmless person. And I tried to be like that.
Then...everything has done and it's over. There is the person who forget how to smile or cry. I used to act with mask on the face. Acting with faceless. So...I can't smile.
People misunderstands me because of this. Once I met a woman and she said "Why were you annoyed? I did something wrong?" by the e-mail. I didn't think that I was annoyed or there was something wrong. Nothing is wrong. But she did worried like that. People think that I am very sensitive, irritated person. That makes me crazy.
Once I met a great woman (I should call her "teacher"). She said "It's OK. You can't smile. If all people can smile like me, the world can be exclusive. so the person like you are OK! Alright!". If I remember this, I...I...start to cry without tears.
