dont worry plz

night 1

My thoughts

If ur not me reminding myself of how i think and how toxicated i feel, warning its fucked up and u dont want to see this if you re fine becouse it can change ur perspective of life in a wrong directiom.

Night 1
‌I hate my life i hate it so badly i want to die but not just die i want to cut through all my veins and let the blood drip so that it hurts so badly for as long as it can so that i regret my bad chocies coz there is too many i should have shuted up and keep it inside but im a fucking weakling that cant hold it i feel awful even thinking that someone can worry about such a pice of shit like me, i feel like my head just wants attention and i dont want it
‌all i want is to be left alone and slowly rott from the inside as im doing it right now. I dont want anyone to see me at such a low point in my life i dont want them to notice how badly i just dont want to be there and how badly i want to die leaving no trace whatsoever and just dissapear in the most painfull way possible. I feel like i dissapointed everyone already, they thought i was fine and i gave them reasons to worry about me im such a looser i cant hold it in me i fucked up so badly i really dont want to live i just want death, and suffering afterwards becouse its all i deserve, i dont deserve to eat drink nor talk to such nice people i just want death death and death, there is no reason for me to be happy again i dont feel anything accept sadness empytieness and that depressive state of mind that keeps me awake at night. I want to cut nyself everywhere as strong as i can but people will see that something is wrong when i dont want them to worry i just want to feel pain becouse its what i deserve, i feel like i need someone to help me yet i dont want to bother anyone, i want to die yet im to weak to think of death, i wish i was strong but im not and i wont be not after everything i heard from here, deep down of my brain and from my so called friends that i thought would help me yet destroyed me mentally so badly idk how to fix myself i just want to die die and die the most horrible way possible im thinking of it too mu h but i cant think straight, people are noticing that something is wrong and they worry, they shouldnt, they cant. If they will they will worry a lot if i suecide and i will. I have no will to live anymore i have no purpose im only living to help others yet im fucking em up more then helping im so useless i just wish to die, i cant focus on studying i wont pass and ill have more people that worry, i dont want it, all j want is to peacefully finally sleep but i cant coz you keep me up at night you stupid brain, stop working and die already i dont need you just fucking dissapear if u wont work properly, i write this so i dont cut but now i want it even more but they will worry again and again, i cant end this cycle im lost in it and i want to cut so the blood drips and make no one notcie how i feel inside and just slowly fade away from everyones life so i dont bother them, i wish i could shut my mind off i just dont want this mess to come out of me, i feel like threwing but but i dont feel hunger so i cant eat, i dont even deserve to do so anyways vecouse im such a pice of shit,if i could end it right now without anyone worring id do so asap but i cant coz they worry a lot as they shouldnt becouse they have their own worries and they should just forget that i exist so i can die with a mindset that no one cared so i did the right thing but its not like that, please stop caring i want to die and you keep me away from that peace please i want to feel pain trust me i deserve it i dont deserve the life i had i dont deserve people i met i dont deserve to breath the same air as them i just deserve to die dissapear and fade away in my fear of nonstop going thoughts that keep me away at night so i can easily suecide but its actually harder then i thought please save me even if i dont deserve it im too lost too see the end.(written while anxiety attack)

Im sorry if u read this and u saw my low point, just dont even think of worrying for some random bitch that cries becouse she needs to help herself not knowing how. I bet there is more people in need than me so care about them (written while still kinda sane)