Your Creation • Zarry

21. More

May 2013

We were back to sleeping on the tour bus again after we left Belgium. Zayn and I had started sending each other nude photos from our bunks at night, which gave us some quality wank material to hold us over until we got the opportunity to be alone together again and I also clung onto some of our best moments over the last few months, and they flew through my mind like movie scenes. We had been so busy that sometimes that things often felt like a blur, but I wanted to hold onto those nights with all the strength I had.

In some other ways I was also kind of glad that we were so busy because it kept my mind distracted from thinking too much about how I was really starting to feel about Zayn. I kept thinking about that time in Ben's attic when we talked about our conditions and I was trying so hard not to feel anything but deep down I didn't want to believe that I was the only one who was feeling this way. It couldn't just be me. He looked at me like I was more than a friend. Wasn't I? Friends don't just have wild sex with each other, cuddle and give each other massages, do they? Friends don't look at each other the way that we do. But it seemed like if there was something more there between us, neither of us had been bold enough to talk about it.

After our show in Denmark, we were all back on the bus relaxing en route to Norway and we had music blasting from the front speakers, most of us singing obnoxiously at the top of our lungs and annoying the crap out of Paul, which was always a fun hobby. We moved through shuffle and as the night wore on Liam and Zayn laid on the chairs, both chilling online at the same time while Louis was on the phone with his Mum in the back and then there was me and Niall serenading each other with a lovely cover of "Angel" by Shaggy.

"Girl you're my angel, you're my darling, angel. Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty you're my angel, you're my darling, angel. Girl you're my friend when I'm in need, lady."

Then suddenly Zayn looked up from his phone and chimed in with the next verse, his voice sounding scarily on point.

"Life is one big party when you're still young, but who's gonna have your back when it's all done? Its all good when you're little, you have pure fun, can't be a fool, son, what about the long run?"

I grinned at how perfect his timing was and loved when he joined in on the fun. When the chorus swung back around, I got up from my chair and proceeded to pull Zayn off the couch; I looked in his eyes and started singing to him and I could see that he was sort of blushing.

"Girl you're my angel, you're my darling, angel."

He started laughing and I put his hand in mine, forcing him to dance with me and terribly might I add, while I kept singing the rest of the song and Niall just sat there strumming the chords on his guitar.

"Wow, this is all very romantic," Liam inserted himself into the moment.

The best part about doing things like that with Zayn in front of the lads was that I could easily get away with it since that was normal behavior for me, but the way that Zayn was looking at me just then and nearly blushing made me grin as I sang to him, as if he really was my angel. All of us stayed up for awhile longer until it got rather late. We retired to our bunks late into the night and I laid awake, tossing and turning in a desperate attempt to fall asleep. I don't know how it was that I could fall asleep at the most random times but when I actually needed to sleep, I couldn't. I just had too much on my mind lately. I leaned over and grabbed my phone and when I went to text Zayn, he had already beaten me to it.

Zayn: Can't wait for us to be alone again.. ;)

I smiled to myself.

Me: Me too.

I was originally going to send him some dirty thoughts of mine and make it interesting, but for some reason my fingers weren't working in the moment. I laid there for a minute, trying to decide what to say. If we started sexting then I wasn't going to get any sleep but at the same time, it sounded good. Then again, it wouldn't be anything new for us and I started to feel myself overthinking, letting my emotions come out and play. The softness was creeping up on me and I was longing for something more from him. The next text I wrote out sort of happened impulsively and before I could delete it, I had already pressed send. Fuck.

Me: Is there more to us than just sex?

He didn't respond for at least two minutes and I started to feel myself growing nervous that I had just done the stupidest thing I could ever do, which was crossing that line that we said we weren't going to cross.

Zayn: I don't know. You tell me.. is there?

What the hell kind of dodgy reply was that?

Me: I'm asking you.
Zayn: You brought it up so basically you are implying that you think there is otherwise you wouldn't have just mentioned it..

Great. Fucking great. I could sense that this was going to turn into something more dramatic than I anticipated and suddenly I had the urge to throw my phone against the wall.

Me: You mean to tell me that you don't feel anything more between us?

Oh my God, why couldn't I shut up?

Zayn: I mean.. I care about you. You know that. What more do you want me to say?

What did I want him to say? I want you, all of you. I want to be able to kiss you in front of the lads and I want to hold you until we fall asleep. I want to see your face next to me when the sun rises. You aren't just a guilty pleasure for me, Harry. I lo -

Me: Nothing. I guess I have my answer then.
Zayn: We agreed at the start that there weren't going to be any strings attached..

That response from him couldn't have been any more predictable. It was the ultimate broken record at this point. Yes, I bloody well knew that that's what we said, but Zayn hadn't been making it easy for me. He was making me fall for him, I couldn't seem to keep it under control and I didn't know how to turn it off.

Zayn: Maybe we should stop what we're doing before someone gets hurt..
Me: Fine.

I couldn't remember the last time I regretted a conversation more than this one. Why did I even have to say anything at all? I should have just gone to bed, I thought, feeling so angry with myself. I turned my phone off and carelessly threw it somewhere so I wasn't tempted to say anything more. This was all my fault; I don't know why I expected anything else from this situation. Even if Zayn had feelings for me, which he obviously didn't, it wasn't like we could be together anyway, and now we were done fooling around on top of it, so I was going to have even less of Zayn than I had before. How fucking wonderful.