Your Creation • Zarry

38. Praying

July 2013

I got a small cross tattooed on my hand later that day.

I didn't consider myself highly religious, but I was going through a lot emotionally and mentally at the time that I sort of felt like I needed it. There just had to be a light at the end of this dark tunnel and maybe I had to dive headfirst into some spiritual headspace. Maybe I needed to start praying.

Fortunately, nothing was too awkward between me and Kara after that previous night and we resumed hanging out for the day, grabbing brunch at the hotel and chatting it up. I was relieved when she said that she wasn't interested in any relationship, which was great news for me since that wasn't going to happen for her anyway. I was way too emotionally unavailable.

I ended up texting Zayn back and apologized for not answering him before. I lied and said my phone died while I was out, but he hadn't responded. As we walked toward the elevator from brunch, Lou grabbed my arm.

"Are you alright?"

I furrowed my brow, glancing over at her. She looked concerned. Lou had known me for three years already and we spent so much time together; she was practically my sister. Lou certainly knew that something was wrong and I had an anxious pit in my stomach but pretended like I didn't.

"Yeah I'm great. Why?"

"I'm just getting this vibe from you like something's off. You sure you don't wanna talk about it? What's bothering you?"

"Nothin, Lou. I'm good. I promise."

I know she didn't believe me because she looked at me like the liar that I am. I just kept lying to everyone, maybe even including myself. I had already forced me and Zayn out to the boys, then our management and Paul caught us, so there was no reason why I couldn't tell Lou. It wasn't that I wanted to keep it from her, because I knew she wouldn't say anything, it's just that I didn't want to talk about it because I just didn't know how to talk about it.

Zayn called me once we got to our floor.

"Hey, what's going on?" I answered, motioning to Lou and Kara that I was going to pop into my room to take the call.

"It's good to hear your voice," he said in that velvety Bradford accent of his.

I felt a smile creep onto my lips.

"Is it? Almost thought you were a bit mad at me or something."

"I was a bit, yeah, but not anymore. I can't stay mad at you but you're a little shit you know that?"

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Why are you so romantic? It's disgusting. Please stop."

"Nah don't really feel like it..."

"Dickhead. Are you lot in Jersey yet?"

"Yeah we just got here actually. When will you be back?"

"Tomorrow afternoon sometime."

I heard Zayn let out a long sigh.

"Alright. So then...tell me about Kara."

Oh here we go. Why did I already know his interrogation was coming. This was so typically Zayn. He acted like everything was fine until the moment that it involved me and anyone else.

I cleared my throat.

"What is there to tell?"

"Well I looked her up on the internet. She's kinda hot."

"Yeah, she's alright."

"Did you sleep with her?"

I paused for a moment. I didn't want to lie to him but I didn't want to start a fight either. This is certainly not the direction that I had wanted our phone conversation to go in.