Your Creation • Zarry

24. I'm not sorry

We showed up to the venue for our soundcheck in Oslo later that day and I had finally managed to pull myself together. Since Liam knew our little secret, he kept glancing in my direction with these smug 'knowing' looks during soundcheck, and I kept firing back these 'looks' of my own as well, followed by me repetitively microphone tapping him in the bollocks if only to remind him what he had to lose if he ever opened his mouth.

Later on before the show Niall and Louis were playing football, Liam was working out, the cameras and team were roaming around everywhere and then there was me, slinking around the back hallways trying to find Zayn. Normally I would be bothering the crew, eating or playing ping pong somewhere because I liked to loosen up before a show, but I had too much on my mind and needed to clear the air with him before we had to put on a show for a huge crowd. After my chat with Liam I realized that making sure our friendship was still in tact and nothing was awkward was my top priority and it was weighing on me. I just needed to make sure we were okay. It took me awhile to locate him, but I eventually found Zayn stood smoking a cigarette in the stairwell.

"I've been looking for you. You are a hard man to find," I said, leaning against the wall.

Zayn nodded slowly, taking another long drag of his cigarette and blowing out smoke right in front of the "No Smoking" sign just like he didn't give a shit and he never did.

"I know, and I like it that way."

It was a typical Zayn answer. He was always managed to sneak off somewhere without anyone knowing because Zayn just wasn't a crowd person. He liked to be alone a lot of the time or just away from the chaos and I didn't blame him for it. Sometimes it was just too much. We stood there in a moment of silence because I wasn't quite sure how to address the conversation, so I just started winging it.

"Listen. I know we haven't really had a second to talk, but I just wanted to apologize to you for the other day. I didn't mean to make things complicated," I finally spoke up.

"It's alright, I get it. I really don't want to argue or fight with you. I can't take that. The only thing I care about is you being okay," Zayn responded.

There was a genuine softness in his voice and it matched the sincerity that was written all over his face when he looked at me. I could tell that he didn't want to ruin our friendship anymore than I did, but he wasn't going to tell me that he had feelings for me too. So I had my answer then. Well, at least Zayn knew how to let me down gently.

"I'm okay."

I said it but I wasn't sure if I meant it. Was I okay? I wanted to be. I decided to go with it and thought maybe if I said I was okay enough times the feeling would just manifest itself.

"I think I just got caught up in everything and was over thinking, you know? I do that a lot," I added.

"I know you do," replied Zayn, meeting my eyes. "It's alright."

I didn't look at Zayn for very long and glanced down at the floor rather quickly. If we weren't going to cross that line anymore then I had to protect myself from triggers and Zayn's eyes were number one on that list because every time he looked at me I just wanted to attack him with my mouth and let my hands roam all over his body, ripping off his clothes while shoving him up against the wall. But I couldn't be thinking about that anymore, so I decided to do what I do best and lighten the mood by joking around because that usually always worked.

"This is all your fault, though," I began. "You just had to go off and be intoxicating on purpose, knowing that I enjoy a stiff drink. See, I knew you were evil."

Zayn just laughed and shrugged his shoulders, finishing the last drag of his cigarette before putting it out on the side of the wall.

"Maybe it wasn't even me; maybe it's been my doppleganger all along. Or maybe you're the one to blame. Maybe you should try being ugly. See, if you were ugly with a small dick my life would be much easier," he joked back, smiling.

"You're right. I've been meaning to shave my head and get a penis reduction."

Zayn's eyes widened and he held up a hand.

"Wait, wait hold up. A small dick is one thing but you can't get rid of those curly locks, then no one would come to our shows."

I chuckled, shaking my head at him. Why was everyone so obsessed with my hair? I didn't understand it to be honest.

"Shut up, that's not even true - " I protested, shoving Zayn playfully.

"Sure, okay."

"If there's something I do know it's that they come to the show but only stay for the high notes. That's just a fact. Without that angelic voice of yours, we'd be nothing."

"Okay, you're right." Zayn paired his words with that cheeky smile, my favorite to see.

"Oh and another thing," I added. "Just because we aren't going to be messing around anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going to be thinking of you when I get off and for that I'm not sorry."

Oh God what was wrong with me? Somehow in my attempt at making the situation lighter, I naturally brought it somewhere sexual without even thinking. Why was I like this? I mean, I wasn't lying but why did I have to say it out loud? Why did I have to have such a dirty mind whenever it came to Zayn? I swear I was cursed.

"I wouldn't expect you to. No shame in what you need."

"Alright, good."

Zayn let out a short chuckle and brought me in for a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and we embraced for probably longer than we should have. We slowly pulled away and I caught myself looking into his eyes again. No, no, no. Look away, Harry. Look away! I drew back quickly and decided to slap Zayn's ass rather hard, making him jump. I was still going to flirt with him probably, there was just no way around it, but that was it. I couldn't take it any farther than that. I decided I needed to get out of the stairwell and fast, so I opened the door to the hallway.

"Alright mate, I better go get dressed."

I made a mental note to my future self and that was the only way I was ever going to be able to go back to the way things used to be with Zayn was to avoid being alone with him as much as possible, because I definitely did not trust myself.