Your Creation • Zarry

25. Heads or tails

It had been ten days - ten days since Norway and I was quite proud of myself for maintaining such good resistance around Zayn but let me tell you it was bloody difficult, but I was determined not to fuck anything up. Admittedly, it was a bit easier to manage on the bus and when we did stay over in Germany, I spent most of our free time recording for the album. I had written two songs in this span of time and had just finished recording the first song I worked on, which I called "Happily," which was the product a two part song writing session, the second half consisting of me drunk on my hotel room floor, and when we started to record it I noticed that Zayn didn't seem to have much of an opinion on the message behind it and I wondered if he knew that it was about him.

Everything else seemed to go back to normal, especially with me still up late fantasizing about Zayn just like I used to. I tried to think of anyone else but it wasn't happening and now I had some real, vivid memories that I was able to access. Zayn was still the best sex I had ever had. I just kept hoping that this whole thing was some phase that I was going to grow out of, that I'd come across someone else that would turn me on and make me feel something the way Zayn did so I could get over it.

We had just finished our show in Italy and Perrie was there seeing Zayn so I was sat with Liam, Niall and Louis in my hotel room talking late into the night when all of a sudden we heard Perrie's voice in the hallway.

"What is wrong with you? You've been acting bloody weird the whole time I've been here."

The boys and I grew quiet, exchanging looks. Of course we did what anyone would do, and that was immediately get up and creep towards the door to eavesdrop on her and Zayn.

"I've told you I'm just tired like five different times. Why are you pressing on and making this such a big issue?" Zayn retaliated.

"Because I keep going out of my way to see you and then when I do it's like you're physically here but mentally somewhere else. Are you cheating on me again?"

Liam looked toward me, raising his eyebrows and I widened my eyes. Uh oh. I abruptly took a very long sip from the drink in my hand and pretended like I had no idea what she was talking about as we continued listening.

"Is the only reason you keep going out of your way to see me because you don't trust me? So you can just keep tabs on what I'm doing all the time?"

"Wow, Zayn. Wow. What a clever way to dodge the question and turn it back around on me. And no I don't bloody trust you, what with your past scandalous activities - it's not like you have a great track record. Do you even know how embarrassing that is for me and my career?"

"You always make everything about you and your career. It doesn't even seem like it's about us, it's about how I affect you and your fucking image. Really makes me wonder."

"What the fuck. You're the one who's acting like you don't even give a shit about me and somehow I'm the bad guy? This is rubbish. Complete bullshit. I'm leaving. I can't deal with this right now."

"Fine, leave."

"And if anyone asks, we had a lovely time together in Italy."

"Well, Per, you just proved my point."

Zayn's hotel door slammed shut and all of us raced back to the couch where we were sitting as if we weren't just pressed up against the wall like kids spying on their parents fighting. I didn't even know what to say about their argument. I had heard them argue before, plenty of times, but not like this. Zayn seemed different. After a few seconds Louis broke the silence.

"Well lads, that was intense."

"So do you actually believe that Perrie is using Zayn? Like for attention on Little Mix?" Niall asked, who was usually the first one to take part in a conversation involving gossip.

"Well, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't something I've thought about before," responded Louis. "- but I think I'm going to stay out of this one, lads."

Louis and Zayn were very good mates and he and his girlfriend Eleanor got on with Zayn and Perrie so I knew that Louis was going to refrain from having an opinion on the situation, but I think deep down Louis knew that Perrie and Zayn had some real problems. I think we all knew.

"What say you, Harold?" Liam asked, turning toward me.

I blinked. Seriously Liam? Did he have to single me out like that?

"I say we pretend like we didn't just hear that conversation and carry on."

I wanted to appear indifferent about this because I had my own opinions, but I couldn't share them. This wasn't the first time the authenticity of Perrie's feelings for Zayn was a question in my mind and I wasn't surprised by the nature of their argument either. Zayn wasn't honest with her and Perrie knew that, yet she stayed with him anyway and they kept fighting about it. Sometimes I wondered why it was that Perrie didn't just break up with him if he made her that mad, and what did surprise me was that Perrie had called Zayn out for acting weird toward her. Usually whenever Zayn was with her he acted pretty happy and content, but then again Zayn usually acted chill most of the time. He never once complained to me about being unhappy with her. But then again, things were not always what they seemed and I, of all people, knew that one well.

Since we had all heard Perrie leave in a fit, I half expected Zayn to show up into the room and vent to us about the situation, but he never did, so we carried on through the night with a few more drinks and random conversation until I started to get worried that something was wrong and I didn't want to be there anymore. Around midnight I went to work out, trying to keep myself distracted from thinking about Zayn and how he was feeling. It wasn't my business. I had to stay out of it, I reminded myself.

Later that night I had been laying down, trying to decide if I wanted to go to sleep or not. Thoughts danced around my head and I promised myself I wasn't going to be alone with Zayn anymore. I couldn't, but he was still my friend and I was trying to convince myself that that was a good enough excuse to go check up on him, just to see if he was alright. Like friends do. I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed my wallet, pulling out a coin. I decided to make this decision the only correct way: heads or tails. Heads I go to sleep, tails I go to Zayn's room. I took a deep breath and flipped the coin into the air.

It landed on tails.