The Wandering One

Chapter 17

!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!

Description of suicide attempt. Will mark section with *** at the beginning and end of triggering scene.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam and Sport slid to a stop in front of the house.

"Pa!" he shouted as he swung off of Sport, rushing into the house. Ben quickly strode towards his distressed son, grasping his shoulders to calm him.

"What happened son, are you alright?" Ben looked behind his eldest for Terrin and then back into Adam's eyes, alarm showing in his own. "Where's Terrin?"

"She took off on me on our way back from town. There were some ladies in the General store who said some terrible things about her and she overheard them. When I brought it up on our way back, she told me to leave it alone and took off! I was hoping she just came back here." Adam rushed the story out as Ben grabbed his gun belt and hat. The two strode out to the barn where Ben quickly saddled Buck.

"Let's check in with your brothers to see if she went to one of them before we panic," directed Ben firmly as they mounted up. Adam gave a quick terse nod and the two galloped off to find Joe and Hoss.

Terrin rode at a gallop until Lash was thoroughly winded. She pulled him to a stop and dismounted, letting him drink from the stream in front of them. She took a moment to look around and catch her breath as well. The stream she had stopped at was just off of Ponderosa land and fed into Lake Tahoe a quarter mile from where she was. She crouched upstream of Lash and scooped some water for herself to drink. Once this was accomplished, she removed Lash's bridle, looping it on the saddle horn before starting to follow the stream to stretch her legs. Lash followed behind her, grazing on tufts of grass as they walked. Within a few minutes, they emerged into a clearing by the shore of the lake. Terrin called Lash to her and unsaddled him, letting him truly stretch his legs.

She watched him as he gave a small kick and then start to graze in earnest. Terrin walked to the edge of the water that was still as a looking glass and crouched down, gazing at her reflection. Her brown face and eyes stared back at her, except her reflection showed eyes that were empty, hollow of any emotion or soul. She sighed and stirred the water with her hand, no longer wishing to see herself. She should have known this would happen. Now she had brought shame and embarrassment to the Cartwrights who had so kindly taken her in. They helped her and she had repaid them by ruining their reputation.

Terrin took a deep breath and stood, walking back into the woods. She wasn't sure what she should do. She eventually sat down against a tree next to the one she had set her saddle under and watched Lash once more. She sat and realized that her reflection in the lake was true. Her eyes were empty because she was completely devoid of emotion. She felt no anger, no hurt, no sadness, just a numb nothingness that had settled into her bones and soul. So she sat, looking at nothing and feeling the same.

Ben and his three sons sat at the supper table, pushing their food around on their plates. Ben had called his and Adam's search off temporarily after checking in with Hoss and Joe. He figured that Terrin most likely wanted some space to process and would come back when she was ready. Now he and his sons all sat in silence, having given up on trying to make half-hearted conversation. At the slightest sound, their heads would whip towards the door, waiting for Terrin to walk through it. Eventually Joe spoke up. "You think she's alright Pa? What if something happened to her?"

Ben gave his youngest a reassuring smile, "I'm sure she is fine son. She's got her new pistol with her. If she's not back within an hour, we'll go look for her."